All of equal extremity, of course
With everyone abuzz about Barbie (2023), I felt like I should chime in just like everyone else has. Sure, there’s all the…the cool stuff. The cool stuff I liked in the film. But! I just can’t stop thinking about those roller blades. Skates. Whatever you call them. So, here’s a list of what I’d do to get my hands on a pair.
- Create a roller blade fan-cam and @ing Mattel.
Look, if I’ve learned anything from social media, it’s that well done short form content can get you in high places. If I e-beg hard enough and funny enough, Mattel may send me the skates, or send me a copyright strike if I go for making a YouTube Short.
- Get a tattoo of the blades on my ass.
Tattoos are a trendy thing, and what says “loyalty to a consumable” more than a permanent endorsement on your backside? As for who’d do it, I could throw a rock and find a tattoo artist who’d love my concept and idea enough to tat directly on my ass. Or make it a raffle, if I drum up enough buzz about my decision on TikTok.
- Make a bunch of shitty modern art about the skates.
If my abstract shape art with the color palette of the skates pisses enough people off, I could rake in money off of hate bids or stupid elites to just buy the skates off Mattel. I might even have enough for a fast-food burger after buying one of the pairs.
- Befriend Greta Gerwig and get her to give me the skates.
All my film knowledge, and dropping the fact that I go to IC (and leaving out that I’m not a film student) should be more than enough to charm this incredibly talented and busy woman. Right? Anyway, she’d be charmed and think I was so cool, and just…give me the skates if I asked nicely enough.
- Create a charity auction with the skates used during filming as a prize, and “mysteriously” lose them before the event.
This is not an admission of me planning a form of fraud in any way, shape or form. But think of how much I could put the Barbie film on the map…again. Relate a heist to the film, and the dudebros who were “too alpha male” to see the film will flock to it like the sheeps they claim to despise. Also, maybe Mattel wouldn’t press charges if I got enough people to rewatch.
- Trade for the skates with exactly seven kidneys.
Don’t ask me where I got them.
- Blackmail a Mattel executive.
Look, the higher-ups of Mattel have got to have some dirt I could find about them. If they’re rich enough to own share in Mattel, they’re rich enough to care about their image AND have some major fuck-up I could exploit for my own gain.
- Set a Mattel building (or a few) on fire.
I will find those roller blades, and Mattel is probably keeping them in some secret vault on one of the coasts in the world. It can’t be that hard to find those buildings, and the arson would distract everyone from me running around the building trying to find where the hell Mattel is hiding those skates.
- Kill however many it takes.
I don’t know how many lives I’d have to end for their sacrifices to be Kenough in the eyes of whoever is hiding those fucking beautiful skates from me, but I’d do it. No hesitation.
- Buy the replica skates.
I do have a backup plan for if all of the above schemes don’t work. There’s actually a collab between Impala Skate and the Barbie movie, where Impala is selling a replica of the skates in the film for around two hundred bucks. I mean, they aren’t the exact skates used for filming, and I did a bunch of illegal things that didn’t work, but I guess it’s better than nothing?
And that’s it! My completely normal list of things I’d do for those wonderful skates.
…Can. Can you tell that I… that I haven’t seen the film. And all I know is from clips and photos online. I don’t even skate, but those skates are so cheesy and radical and I want them. I crave them in a capitalistically carnal way, and I deserve nice things.
Emily Levine is a sophomore psychology major who has a passion for useless 80s statement pieces. You can reach Emily at [email protected].