Why Do We Have Them?
As a psychology major, I find myself constantly looking at things from a psychological view. If I could, I would try to break down and psychoanalyze everything and everyone, but alas I cannot. However, something I can psychoanalyze is love!
I always found the word “crush” to be an interesting word choice. Is it because of the crushing feeling you have when liking someone? The definition of crush, according to Merriam Webster, is “to squeeze or force pressure so as to alter or destroy structure.” This basically sums up how it feels to have a crush and probably is why the word is used to describe the attraction someone has for another person.
The definition of crush in a romantic context is “a one sided attraction to another person that the experiencer has no intention of communicating about or acting upon” (Psychology Today). This is normally what we think of when discussing a crush: the butterflies in your stomach, the smile we permanently have on whenever we see that special someone. But for many, we may relate more to my first definition of crush.
I decided to ask social psychology professor here at Ithaca College, Leigh Ann Vaugh, to break down the basic psychological aspects of developing a crush. Vaugh discussed that in psychology, the term for having a crush is actually referred to as a fledgling relationship.
“In a fledgling relationship it is normal to think about the other person a lot and to fantasize being close in a close-attachment kind of way,” Vaugh explained. This would include things like nose to nose gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands or even making short eye contact from across the room.
What’s interesting about the fledgling relationship is that they happen before there is a relationship, hence making them a crush! As someone who is very procedural, I wanted to know if there was a certain step process that occurs when developing a crush. Vaugh made clear that research suggested that it can actually take 18 months for a fully fledged attachment relationship to develop and that all the time before that its common to, as she put it, “feel preoccupied and fantasize about being clingy with the other other person while being a bit concerned that the other person would discover your flaws.”
The good news is that phase tends to fade when people become more secure in themselves and the relationship with the person. Lastly, I wanted to learn what exactly causes someone to have a crush. What can create such strong feelings about another person? Vaugh broke down that the biggest thing that creates these feelings is perceived similarity with that person. She used a strong example, saying that if you were studying abroad and your crush is the only American, then the similarity of you two being Americans would be something you would focus on a lot and would make you feel closer.
Now that I understood the basic psychology of having/developing a crush my brain wanted more. I began thinking of more aspects of crushes and began to wonder who develops crushes. I feel like a lot of times people think crushes are just something for teenagers and that you grow out of them when you’re older. Things like having a crush is something that seems to always be associated with teenagers, but actually people of all ages have crushes, even people in committed long term relationships.
According to Psychology Today, “teens often experience their first romantic attractions as crushes because they don’t yet know how to act on those feelings,” which then results in having these crushes and causing it to be more frequent in teens. However, they are not the only group who experience crushes. A study on predictors of crushes in ongoing romantic relationships and its effects written by O’Sullivian and others from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, looked at several questions.
For the first question of this study the researchers looked at how single versus coupled individuals experience crushes. They found that “people in committed relationships reported far more crushes than those who were single.” This I found interesting because I usually associate having crushes with single people. After further reading, it makes sense that people who are in relationships also have crushes because “coupled individuals still feel attraction to others, but they hold back expressing their feelings for the sake of preserving their relationship.”
The second question explored both positive and negative outcomes people have when experiencing a crush. Some positive outcomes they established from having a crush included that “their crush gave them something to fantasize about, brightening their day and bringing excitement into their lives” and also how in coupled people, it even made them feel like their relationships were strengthened. On the other hand, some negative outcomes reported “came mostly in terms of guilty feelings about having the crush” and how “their crush may tempt them to be unfaithful.”
In the last question, the authors wanted to know what expectations people have about the potential for developing a relationship with their crushes. What they discovered was that very few people who had crushes while being in a committed relationship had any intention of pursuing their crush. They discuss how “we’re led to believe that we should only have eyes for our partner, and when we discover ourselves feeling attracted to someone else, we are concerned or feel guilty.” This is a common experience for many people in relationships but O’Sullivan and colleagues want people to know that this is something that is fairly common and tends to be a part of our nature as humans.
If there are a lot of negative aspects/feelings when having a crush, why do we have them? For teens, crushes act as a way to explore their sexuality if they feel unsure, and is a natural part of growing up.
According to Array Behavioral Care, teenegers experience these crushes because as teenagers leave adolescence and begin to enter adulthood “they want to act more grown up, and puberty has them into a sexual maturity that differentiates them into acting in more manly or womanly ways.” Yes, so a part of why we have those inevitable racing heart hallway crushes is because of the age we begin puberty and all of the hormones racing through our bodies.
What about adults? And adults in relationships? Why do they still experience these feelings? This is something O’Sullivan also looked into and came up with two possibilities. The first is kind of similar to teenagers and that it’s just hardwired into human sexual makeup. These feelings of attraction and desire do drive us toward approaching potential mates.
So if sometimes these crushes feel almost primal or animalistic, that’s because to some degree they kind of are. The other explanation is that they provide a test of the strength of people in relationships.
O’Sullivan points out how “if we keep the attraction as a private experience, we know that our commitment to our partner is strong.” Crushes act as a way for coupled individuals to feel more secure in their relationship because they can have this crush but not act on it.
It may seem at times that the sweaty palms, quickening of the heart and all other aspects of having a crush feels like the most unnecessary and sometimes isolating feeling ever. But do not fret! You are not alone in these feelings and seem to actually have some reasoning behind it and at times, even positive outcomes. When it comes to crushes remember, have fun with them and don’t let them crush you (Pun very much intended).
Allie Richter is a sophomore psychology major who does not want anyone to be crushed by their crushes. They can be reached at [email protected].
Art by Julia Young.