Both metaphorically and literally
Slayage is a metric that only seems to grow in importance. In case you weren’t aware, the LGBTQ+ community is full of horror lovers, and in this economy, Buzzsaw needs as much cultural capital as possible. So I have been brought here with a significant monetary incentive to compile a list of horror icons and rank them by how much they “slay.” We will be ranking them on the axis of Metaphorical Slay based on aesthetic serve and behavioral yassness. Literal Slay will be calculated based on aptitude at murder and creativity in said murder. Spoilers for all the movies these icons are from.
- Pamela Voorhees – Friday The Thirteenth (1980)
Not many people know it was Jason’s psycho mother committing most of the killings in this movie, but boy does she do a good ass job. We love a butch queen. We love a butch-er queen even more. A hockey mask isn’t exactly what I call the peak of fashion, and neither are the ratty layers of whatever else she’s wearing. Pam is a master of weaponry with axes and archery, an expert marks-woman. She killed nine people, but otherwise, I’m not blown away. She also is very anti-premarital-sex, which isn’t very feminist of her.
Slay (Metaphorical): 1/10
Slay (Literal): 3/10
- Michael Myers – Halloween (1978)
A true classic horror icon who needs no further introduction. Mikey here is a boss, but unfortunately, he does lack some flair. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t effective. While his outfit is giving very much Disney’s Imagination Movers, the mask gets points for ominousness. However, the hair is a MESS. What were you thinking bestie? Get a brush. He only kills six people in the original film, which is a moderate body count, but he does lack some creativity. Not to mention one is a flashback, and one other is a dog…which is lowkey embarrassing for him. But he is a run-of-the-mill escaped maniac, so it is excused.
Slay (Metaphorical): 3/10
Slay (Literal): 4/10
- Jigsaw – Saw (2004)
John Kramer is his name, and making traps is his game. But I know what we’re all here for: the sassy little puppet. The gays love a funky wooden dude, especially when he’s making death threats in a distorted voice. While Jigsaw isn’t the sexiest of horror icons, the charm he brings to the table is more about intelligence and sadism. When he laid on the floor motionless in that nasty ass bathroom for hours…that, my friend, is true commitment to the bit. The creativity and meticulousness in every aspect are what really makes Jigsaw formidable, making his four ingenuitive deaths more than the sum of their body parts.
Slay (Metaphorical): 3/10
Slay (Literal): 5/10
- Pearl – X (2022)
Pearl is the underrated queen from this year’s A24 slasher X, and she is getting a prequel all about her. As she should. They say age before beauty, and they’re right. Sure, Pearl isn’t serving any looks, but her attitude is everything. She is a sexy bitch, and she will make you know it. It’s the audience’s fault for not realizing Pearl just wants to fuck and not creep around. But murder is also a fair response, so I’m not mad about it. Country girls make do. Pearl knows what to do with a knife, she knows what to do with a pitchfork, and even a convenient alligator.
Slay (Metaphorical): 5/10
Slay (Literal): 5/10
- Freddy Krueger – Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Freddy is an absolute dream if I do say so myself. The green and red striped sweater outside of the Christmas season was a bold choice, but I respect it. I have to dock points for the fedora, in its time it may have been popular, but now it conjures images of incels and douchey guys circa 2012. The knife hands are across the board, cool as hell, and if you doubt that, I’m sorry,.Freddy invented acrylics. Maybe he should invest in some salicylic acid products though, that skin looks rough. My boy Fred loves a fun death, which is elevated by dream shenanigans. Melting stairs? CLASSIC. Four kills are unimpressive, but at least they had entertainment value.
Slay (Metaphorical): 5/10
Slay (Literal): 6/10
- Pinhead AKA Hell Priest – Hellraiser (1987)
Clive Barker snapped with this one. Pinhead said, “Why you gagging so? She bring it to you every ball.” Latex will forever be timeless, and I stand by that. The creativity? The avant-garde BDSM look? People died. Like quite literally. Multiple people. Multiple people were mutilated and ripped apart. Throw in the funky Rubik’s Cube, and it’s a fun accessory. While the kill count is low in Hellraiser for the cenobites themselves, the finesse of hook chains is such a strong brand identity. Rihanna has nothing on this S&M. Frankly, Pinhead did nothing wrong. I will defend them with my life.
Slay (Metaphorical) 9/10
Slay (Literal) 3/10
- Ghostface / Billy and Stu – Scream (1996)
The double-trouble trickery? Unparalleled. Also, Billy and Stu are definitely fucking. GAY RIGHTS! The ghost mask and cloak are chic, versatile, but unoriginal. However, the ingenuity applied to using it is immaculate. Scary telephone calls? HELLO. When I first heard “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Something shifted. Mostly the orientation of organs in Casey Becker’s body. Between garage door killings and multiple fakeouts, these boys were killing the game despite only murdering five people. Although, they don’t shine quite as bright as Gale Weathers.
Slay (Metaphorical): 5/10
Slay (Literal): 7/10
- Lori Spengler / Murder Baby – Happy Death Day (2017)
We love an overachiever. Lori goes to every length to get what she wants, and it’s iconic. While the baby mask and hoodie aren’t the best outfits, it is a clever tactic for her murder plan. And what a plan it is: meticulous, insane, and absolutely the best thing ever. What she lacks in style, she makes up for in tenacity. The birthday candle explosion, the bong stabbing, the poisoned cupcake? She said, “All options are on the table.” She must be sooooo tired of Tri after a million time loops. Plus, she was fucking her mega-hot teacher. You go girl!
Slay (Metaphorical): 6/10
Slay (Literal): 6/10
- Candyman – Candyman (1992)
Is it too forward if I say, Daddy? I mean, c’mon. The energy brought forth here is fantastic. Candyman did not come to play. He brought out the fur coat and polished his hook hand for this moment, and you have to applaud the leather glove. Plus a layer of rotting flesh and thousands of bees? The girls always love a reveal. Not to mention the drama of everyone literally calling your name. Count ‘em four deaths, INCLUDING a romantic possession of the woman who is the reincarnation of your star-crossed-lover? This isn’t your everyday ghost killer, it’s Candyman (Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman).
Slay (Metaphorically) 8/10
Slay (Literal) 7/10
- Jennifer Check – Jennifer’s Body (2007)
In the immortal words of Jennifer, “You’re Jell-O, you’re lime green Jell-O.” She gave Y2K couture before the TikTok girls. Jennifer Check’s pronouns are She/Ate, and she embodied them to the word. Jennifer was the cultural reset that we all needed. She was for the girls and the gays, and don’t forget she “goes both ways.” Queen of swimming naked, queen of unhinged jaws, queen of getting stabbed with a box cutter, for “cutting boxes.” Cannibalism really goes the extra mile, but using the blood of men to fuel your hotness is the most slay thing I can think of. Serve up a Chip with extra guac for my bestie Jennifer, because she devoured.
Slay (Metaphorical): 10/10
Slay (Literal): 10/10
Connor Stanford is a sophomore Theatre Studies major who has been trying to patent the idea of the “slay meter” since January. You can reach them at [email protected].
Art by Selkie Racela.