Razor Blades Found in Pumpkin Spice Lattes
One of the spookiest parts of the Halloween season is someone in your family getting worried that the neighborhood psychopath is putting razor blades in their children’s Halloween candy. This urban legend has been traced back to the late 1970s, but it seemed to really take off in the ‘80s with countless tabloid articles whipping suburban moms into a frenzy. Despite the claims from law enforcement that there are next to no credible, documented cases of any kind of malicious Halloween candy tampering, our fact-checkers found an old woman who swears this happened in her neighborhood, and that’s all we needed to hear. The razor blades-in-candy phenomenon has become synonymous with Halloween in the ‘80s for many Americans, and hearing their aunt yell at them to examine every piece of their children’s candy under a magnifying glass sparks a sense of nostalgia in ‘80s kids for the Halloween of their youths.
Now instead of exclusively targeting young people, it seems these killers are after those that are young at heart. We have received multiple reports of razor blades being found in pumpkin spice lattes, the popular fall-themed coffee beverage. This drink has become synonymous with young adults seeking “fall vibes,” and a variation of it can be found in pretty much every major coffee franchise. However, this new phenomenon that seems to be mimicking the razor blade-in-candy fiasco of the ‘80s is claiming the lives of many VSCO girls, and my investigative team and I were determined to get to the bottom of it.
The most likely suspect for these Fall-themed killings are the baristas. They are the ones making and serving the drinks, after all, and it’s not improbable that they could be slipping a razor blade or two in with the cinnamon. Motivation is also a thing to consider, and baristas definitely have probable cause. Imagine having to make hundreds of drinks a day for entitled white people wrapped head-to-toe in infinity scarfs, saying they’re having a “Christian girl Autumn.” This could also just be another instance of victims of late-stage capitalism lashing out at an unjust society. Our reporters talked with Lily Parker, a barista at a New York coffee chain whose shop has had multiple cases of death-by-latte. Lily prefaced this interview by saying repeatedly that she totally doesn’t do this, and that she definitely condemns these actions.
“I understand why they’re doing it though,” said Lily, “we’re understaffed, underpaid, and our customers are more insufferable than ever. I mean who wouldn’t want to kill someone who thinks a Hydroflask that matches her phone case is the height of luxury! Some of them even say “sksksksksk” out loud in public! I would never do this myself though, it’s barbaric! I mean our drinks are already so unhealthy, all you have to do is wait for them to die naturally. Some of the customers don’t even notice they’ve swallowed a razor blade whole, that’s how much sugar is in it. This is just another instance of millennials obsessing over an ‘80s aesthetic. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see razor blades in candy in the next season of Stranger Things.”
At this point in the interview, Lily noticed a razor blade on the counter next to the espresso machine, gasped, and quickly put it in her pocket. When I asked her why she did that, she said that her manager had tasked her with finding and collecting said razor blades, and she was just doing her job. We thought about asking her manager about this policy, but Lily told us that he was in an important call and couldn’t be disturbed. As we were leaving, Lily kept looking over her shoulder at the manager’s door, and we decided not to pry any further, as her manager must be pretty scared for her to get so flustered.
At the end of our investigation, my team and I were no closer to discovering the culprits behind these attacks. We might just have to get used to seeing more cadavers in oversized t-shirts for the time being. Although, a warning to anyone seeking fall vibes at their local coffee joint: maybe instead go on a hay ride or pick pumpkins, and leave the metal straw at home.
Massey Williams is a fourth-year English major who just was fired from their barista job for unrelated reasons. You can reach them at [email protected]. Art by Sarah Borsari.