THE POWERPUFF GIRLS FOR THE NEW GENERATION
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After the recent controversy regarding the live-action remake of Powerpuff Girls, it was thought by many that the show was dead in the water. An employee on set, a guy named Randy who wishes to remain anonymous, was seemingly surprised by the negative reception of the script leak.
“It’s so bizarre,” Randy said. “I mean, who could have anticipated the negative response to recreating a beloved property intended for children, and make it chock-full of sexual content and white feminist buzzwords?” While most saw the writing on the wall and led a metaphorical exodus from the project, the production team refused to back down.
“It’s about artistic integrity. We cannot back down, not when there are so many fans counting on us to deliver”, Maggie Kiley said, the show’s director. A noble intention, to be sure, with no other motives, such as the fact that the show is hundreds of thousands of dollars over budget with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Ever since production restarted, the writers room, primarily consisting of hundreds of chimpanzees with typewriters, has been working nonstop; the scent of printer ink and bananas hanging heavy in the air. After thirteen exact copies of Hamlet, Ulysses and twelve thousand pages of indiscernible jargon, a script was finally crafted that everyone was satisfied with. However, a new problem emerged: CW producers have all but backed out of the project entirely.
“We’ve had it. We want nothing more to do with it,” Mark Pedowitz said, the president of the CW. “When the script was leaked and people tweeted in droves about how terrible it looked, we were still on board. When people sent death threats because we were ‘ruining their childhoods,” we were steadfast. This is the CW for crying out loud, we practically feed off of negative feedback. But when the producers were visiting the set and all six of them were simultaneously struck by lightning on a clear sunny day… that freaked me out a bit. Angry fans are one thing, but when the wrath of the heavens comes down upon you… that’s when you call it quits.”
Without funding, it seemed as though the show would die an early death, much like those six producers who were struck by lightning.
When it seemed all hope was lost, salvation came when an unlikely third party entered and offered financial assistance. A relatively small political advocacy group known as the NRA (or National Rifle Association for those who are keeping track) offered to bankroll the entire project.
“I mean it was a dream come true! I mean, how often does a fleet of black SUVs roll around carrying groups of people in matching black suits and sunglasses offering a blank check?” Kiley said.”All they wanted in return was a few rewrites here and there, it was almost too good to be true”.
Rewrites, as it turned out, were quite significant. Gone are the superpowers that made the original so fun and unique. An NRA spokesperson, only identifying themselves as NRAE116000, claimed that aspect of the show was “too campy” and “alienating to a modern audience.” Instead, Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup will utilize a myriad of firearms, from Beretta M9’s to Kalashnikovs-and everything in between.
“It is… a leap, certainly. But, NRAE116000 says that it would be good for the youth of America to see three strong, independent women practicing their second amendment rights” actor Dove Cameron said, as her eyes nervously darted around the crowd of crew members and actors.
The rewrites have led to some tension on set. When filming the pilot episode, a deafening silence fell over the production staff as Mojo Jojo was unceremoniously executed by Buttercup after a battle which left the streets of Townsville riddled with bullet holes. While the discomfort that the ultra realistic violence caused in just about everyone involved, a new problem has emerged.
“To be completely honest, there aren’t that many recurring villains in the Powerpuff rogues gallery,” Chimp #47 said. “The network had ordered a twenty-six episode season, and we’re sticking with that apparently. At this rate, we’re going to have to start creating new characters because Buttercup keeps killing them all. I mean, this is the CW for Pete’s sake. We’ve been rewriting the same episode of The Flash for the better portion of a decade, originality isn’t necessarily our forte.”
Despite all signs pointing to horrendous ratings and inevitable loss of revenue, Maggie Kiley is still hopeful for a season two.
“I mean who knows. We’re planning for Bubbles to find and use a bazooka in the season finale, so that explosive ending will definitely give us the ratings we need” she said, a hopeful gleam in her eyes. Whether or not faithful hope and unrelenting firepower are enough to get this show off the ground, only time will tell.
Andrew Donnelly is a second-year theatre studies and english major who supports the second amendment for children. You can reach them at [email protected]. Art by Art Editor Adam Dee.