Keeping your kool-aid safe at the cult meeting
It’s that time of the week again. Grab your keys and we can head down to the local cult meeting. Last week they went around recruiting at a few parks late at night, so hopefully you’ll see some new members. Big things on the agenda tonight– I bet they’ll sing some of the favorite hymns, initiate the new members by pushing them to the brink of death until they have a religious encounter, or maybe build a shrine! Hey, there might even be some kool-aid!
The street looks busy tonight, almost everyone will be attending this meeting.
The dimly lit house is packed with members, how exciting! Make your way to the back of the room, where the refreshments are laid out. Nice! They have all the snacks tonight. Look, there’s even some kool-aid, just like I thought. There’s enough for a cup for every single person in attendance. How convenient.
Sure enough, it looks like they’ll be gathering around so we can all sing together soon, are you ready?
Wait, are you serious? You really have to use the bathroom already? We just got here! Make sure you have a buddy with you. Quickly though, you don’t want to miss anything. I don’t suggest you put the kool-aid down though, you can’t get another one.
Let’s have a look around, who can you trust to hold your kool-aid?
My friend Peggy is in the middle of the commotion, dancing to some upbeat cult hymns. I wouldn’t trust her, not because she’d let someone touch it, but because she’s so forgetful she’d probably drink it instead. That’s someone else’s kool-aid silly!
My other friend David is here too, but he’s in the corner having a pretty intense conversation with a scared looking child. Must be a new recruit. You shouldn’t bother him, and he would probably forget and put it down. You don’t want anyone spiking your kool-aid, that could be dangerous!
Hey, my writing professor… my writing professor? What is she doing here? Oh well, she can hold your kool-aid any day. She would drop kick anyone who tries to touch the cups. But wait. It does look like she’s helping collect donations, so maybe you should look for someone else. I don’t know if I would want her to know we’re in the same cult anyway.
I’m trying to think, who else do you know here that could help us?
Who are you pointing at? Amy Coney Barret? No way! You know she’s a transfer from the People of Praise, where she used to be a literal “handmaid.” I don’t think she can be trusted with anything. Especially not our kool-aid. Or our reproductive rights.
There’s gotta be someone else… woah! Do you see that? Tiktok star Tony Lopez just walked in the door! I can’t believe he’s here! That being said, you should run in the complete opposite direction. You’re not underage, but I still feel like he would be up to no good. He will be getting nowhere near your kool-aid.
I’m starting to think this is pointless. How are you supposed to trust anyone to stop your kool-aid from getting drugged? You know what? Maybe you should just wait to go to the bathroom until we’re back home. For the time being… bottoms up!
Gretchen Buchmann is a second-year writing major who has been brewing her own kool-aid to appease the dark lord. You can reach them at [email protected]. Art by Art Editor Adam Dee.