Star-Crossed Lovers Battle to Settle their Divorce
Yesterday evening, World Wrestling Entertainment, announced that it will be airing a special event this coming Sunday evening. After years of their marriage being exploited by the media, Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet will finally be settling their 718 year divorce. Apparently, this match will settle the divorce and decide who will get Benny, their loving Pembroke Welsh Corgi.
WWE has cancelled their Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown showings this week in order to prepare for this historical fight. The fight will be held in Verona, New York at 10:00 p.m. in the Speare Amphitheater, which Montague has requested to resemble a 1600s Globe Theater. Apparently, Montague has also requested the floors be cleaned four times with Green Apple scented Swiffer Wet Jet and then airbrushed with a shining, wood finish. His team has declined to comment on this.
Bets have been placed all over the world about who will win Sunday night’s feud. Countries are already being divided into two distinct sides: the “Capulet Cats” and the “Montague Men.” The Capulet Cats, with their wit and intellect, have created t-shirts and posters showing an awful photograph of Montague circa middle school with the caption “Monta-who?” While the “Montague Men” are getting trashed in the local pub off of Natural Ice’s, indulging in their sexist behaviour, and asking Capulet fans if they can “Cap-u-let me hit that?” We can definitely tell which party has the brains of this operation.
Capulet has been spotted training in downtown Los Angeles at RuPaul’s Celebrity Boot Camp gym with long time friend Hilary Duff. When asked by Desdy, our field reporter, who Juliet thinks will will, the young contender answered with modesty and ladylike grandeur.
“Oh, I really hope I win, I really do. I’ve been working very hard to get to where I am now, and after spending years with him I just feel like he owes me a lot, you know? Like, the first four years of our marriage were great, you know? He was attractive, in shape, communicative, and romantic. Oh boy! It was amazing! But, after some time he became incredibly unresponsive, you know? Instead of calling me he would Snapchat me, “you up?” and I’d be like, “yeah Romeo I’m like, in the room right next to you!” It was just so silly. You know what I mean? It just became like, super boring and stuff. But like, whatever. I’ve been training down here with my girl Hilary Duff, the Sprouse twins, Drake Bell. You know, after a while the media just gets bored of you until something like this happens. All of us down here are fighting to just be important again. Whatever.” Capulet is projected to perform her signature move, Juliet’s Jabberwocky, where she howls latin root words at her opponent until they bleed from their ears.
While Capulet’s been training, Montague has been seen at the Chunky Pigeons Bar, trash talking his opponent then stumbling home with half of a soft taco. Reports have indicated that just last week a Montague Man and a Capulet Cat were seen quarreling outside of the Chunky Pigeons, yelling obscene things at one another. One particularly nail-biting jab came from a Cat who accused Romeo of hitting her up on Tinder.
Each ticket cost about sixty shillings, equivalent to $45 US dollars. Tickets are going fast, and sports bars broadcasting the fight are expected to fill up quickly. It’s advised to make plans now in order to not miss out on this legendary fight.
Romeo vs. Juliet: The One Where They Both Live is a fight expected to go down in history. Wrestling fans and English teachers alike from around the world are on the edge of their seats waiting to see how this will turn out.
Julia Tricolla is a third-year comm design concentration major got into a fight with a Montague Man over the weekend. Reach them at [email protected].