Arachnar consumes great power
Reporters at the White House have recently discovered that newly elected U.S. president Donald Trump is actually being controlled by a giant spider. This first came to the attention of White House staff members who reported finding “obscene amounts of spider web in the halls” and “the corpses of several interns with their blood drained.” Something like this couldn’t stay secret for long.
The spider in question, who wishes to be addressed as “Arachnar, Bringer of Destruction and Devourer of Man,” was eventually found by Secret Service in a bunker beneath the East Wing. Trump, unfazed by the news, gave orders not to attack the creature saying, “Don’t worry, he’s with me. Arachnar’s a good spider, wonderful spider. Trust me on this.”
Later, Arachnar described in an interview his relationship with Donald Trump and how the two became acquainted.
“I first met Donald when he was a young man. Greedy little thing, looking to make his mark on the world, so I made a deal with him. If he pledged his soul and obedience to me, I would help him become successful.” Soon after making this deal, Trump received a small loan of a million dollars.
While the public may not be familiar with Arachnar, he has gained quite a reputation in the arthropod community, specifically in Eightpart News, a political news site that some claim is spider supremacist, as it promotes racist stereotypes such as scorpions being uneducated and crustaceans being terrorists. Arachnar, who’s missing an eye, has three legs shorter than the others and a complexion that looks like a kiwi with syphilis fucked a naked mole rat, claimed,
“My pure-bred spider ancestry makes me superior to all other beings in the Arachnid class. Any attacks made against this are invalid and must be disregarded as fake news.”
When discussing his role in Trump’s rise to presidency, Arachnar stated, “I’ve been behind his entire career from the start. Something Donald left out of The Art of the Deal is that it’s very convenient having an ally that can rip out someone’s throat and drink their blood like a milkshake if they refuse to sign a contract.”
In response to criticism of Arachnar’s business practices and claims that he is a killer, Trump dismissed the issue, saying, “There’s a lot of killers.”
Trump also denied the extent of Arachnar’s involvement in the White House, stating, “I respect Arachnar a lot. I really do. Nice guy, wonderful guy. First choice. But I’m calling the shots around here, I promise you that.”
When asked what motive Arachnar could possibly have for becoming president of the United States, Arachnar replied, “A female Mexican Muslim abortion doctor tried to squish me when I was little. Soon, they will all pay.”
In recent years, Arachnar has taken to creating toupees for Trump using his spider web. “They don’t look very convincing if you ask me,” Arachnar said, “but Donald seems to like them so I don’t object.”
Now that Arachnar is open about his role in the White House, he looks forward to running for President himself in 2020.
Will Cohan is a second year Cinema and Photography major who suffers from crippling arachnophobia. You can reach them at [email protected].