2016 presidential campaign actually reboot of Kutcher’s reality show
Anderson Cooper: “Welcome to the final 2016 Presidential Debate. I’m Anderson Cooper, and I’ll be your moderator for this evening. Let’s welcome Donald J. Trump and Hillary Clinton.”
Hillary Clinton: “Thank you for having me.”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, whatever.”
Cooper: “Okay, the first question is for Trump. There have been several comments toward your misogynistic……..*Trump interrupts*
Trump: “I never said that.”
Cooper: “…….. How do you explain….”
Trump: “This election is rigged!”
Cooper: “…comments referring to women, and your confessions about kissing and groping women without permission?”
Trump: “That’s a lie. That is Hillary and her lies”
Clinton: “This demonstrates why Donald is unable to be president. I am way more suited to be president. Go to hillaryclinton.com to check out my hip new pant suit brand and my awesome vacation in Cedar Rapids.”
Cooper: “Next question.Concerning health care.”
Clinton: *Interrupts* “This is why he cannot be president. He does not respect women. And this is not the first time he has said something degrading women. He has not supported women from the beginning. He would prefer that because I am a woman I—“ *Trump interrupts*
Trump: “Oh, like Bill Clinton? *loud applause and clapping* Because he sure respected women, didn’t he Hillary. Why don’t we bring up how many women he screwed in the White House? In fact, I have brought them all here tonight! Wave ladies.”
Cooper: “Okay, we’re moving on to the next question….”
Clinton: “No, hold on.”
Cooper: “We’re moving on.”
Clinton: “Donald, you….”
Trump: “How ‘bout those emails. Why doesn’t anyone ask about your emails? You are a puppet and you are unfit to be president.”
Clinton: “NO! You are a puppet!”
Trump: “No, you are!”
Clinton: “No you are.”
*Crowds cheering wildly Anderson looks behind him in astonishment and anger*
Cooper: “Audience, don’t make any noise. You are wasting time.”
*Audience continues cheering*
Cooper: “Hillary, what is your plan for decreasing the gap between the wealthy and the poor?”
Trump: “Can I just say that I am being attacked.”
Cooper: “No. Hillary?”
Clinton: “Well, I would start by, um, well I would reduce taxes, and instead of it going into the pockets of the wealthy, it will go toward the good of the public. When I was First Lady I single-handedly defeated…”
Trump: “This is unfair! I want a different debate leader, no offense to you Anderson, but you don’t know what you are doing, and I want a different opposing candidate because Hillary is just a big jerk… and a LIAR. She can’t be trusted!”
Cooper: “How do you plan to….?”
Trump: “RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS! Say that Hillary! SAY ITTTTT!”
*Shouts from crowd*
Cooper: “Please, can we get back to the question? Please. Pretty please?”
Cooper: “Hillary, what is your plan to reduce the cost of health care?”
*Crickets and someone hacking*
Clinton: …..
Cooper: ……
Trump: ……
Clinton: “Trump will destroy this country. Do you really want all of America to become like the Apprentice?”
Trump: “I never had that idea but I like it. It will definitely inforce Apprentice-like rules when I become president.”
Clinton: “I hate you sooo much! I hate you for running for president!”
Trump: “Really, I thought you would be glad because I make you look good. Which is a pretty damn near impossible!”
Hillary and Trump begin to fight Dragon Ball Z style. Hillary uses the Kamehameha and Trump tries to use his afterimage technique, which he claims he perfected solely because he wants to always be seen. The crowd goes wild and Anderson sobs. Amidst all this chaos, Ashton Kutcher prances on stage with a crew of cameramen and other politicians.
Ashton Kutcher: America, You just got Punk’d!
Cooper: “wha…wh…*sniffle*…what?! Then who are the real candidates!?”
Kutcher: *laughs* “Oh, there are none, America is just going to become a dictatorship.”
*Obama enters stage*
Obama: “Good evening America. Are you ready for more of me? Well it doesn’t matter! ‘Cause Barry is here to stay! Suck on that losers. *Points to Hillary and Trump*
Obama tears down the American flag and sets the stage on fire. “What?!” Hillary and Trump exclaim enraged.
*Ashton Kutcher laughs again*
Kutcher: “Come on guys, you really didn’t see this coming? No one is idiotic enough to let you useless spectacles run for president. Anyway, tune in to our next episode Wednesday at eight, we will be pranking Queen Elizabeth about her grandson, Harry’s death. To recap, this has been Punk’d with Ashton Kutcher!”
*Trump and Hillary fall upon Ashton Kutcher, tearing him to pieces and devouring his flesh, he screams but everyone is too mesmerized by the spectacle to do anything. Afterward, Obama has Trump and Hillary executed.* Everyone lives somewhat passively ever after.
Alayna Vander Veer is a first-year english major who is not a puppet. You’re a puppet! You can email them at [email protected].