The feminist’s guide to the perfect beach bod
Okay, ladies. We may be experiencing sub-zero arctic temperatures right now, but soon enough the sun will emerge and summer will be upon us. It’s time to start getting serious about your bikini body! Here are some helpful tips to look amazing this summer.
Step One:
Pick the right suit for your shape
Tankinis, bikinis, one-pieces … it’s all a little overwhelming. Which is the right suit for your body type? Take a look below.
Apple-shaped:
Wear whatever you want
Pear-shaped:
Wear whatever you want
Hourglass-shaped:
Wear whatever you want
Ruler-shaped:
Wear whatever you want
Girl, your body is gorgeous and you can rock any kind of swimsuit.
Step Two:
Know Proper Hair Removal Etiquette
Regular bikini wax? Brazilian? Hollywood? Or would Nair be good enough? Hair removal is a crucial part of every swimsuit season. Every woman should be as smooth as a baby seal, right? WRONG! Listen up, ladies. Waxing is painful. Shaving is a major pain in the ass and is actually dangerous, especially if your hand-eye coordination is not what it used to be. So put down that razor for good. This season, rock the hairy leg look. We are mammals, and mammals have hair! Plus, think how much more pleasant your beach experience will be without all the meatheads ogling and harassing you. (We are NOT sexual objects, thank you very much).
Step Three:
Hit the Gym*
*But only when you feel like it. Don’t get stressed out about trying to fit workouts into your schedules. I get it, girls. You’re all super busy studying, working, doing everything that men can and just being overall awesome. So if you can only get to the gym once a week, don’t worry too much about your beach physique. If you want an easy alternative to the gym, maybe do some bicep curls and push-ups in your spare time so we can all fight the patriarchy together.
Step Four:
Get the Perfect Shade
The beginning of the summer is always so rough; after months of minimal sun exposure, you’re surely as pale as the Ithaca snow. How should you remedy this? Spray tan? Tanning beds? Trick question, NONE OF THE ABOVE. Tanning is ridiculous and super dangerous. You think being golden brown is sexy? You know what’s not sexy? MELANOMA! Your skin tone is beautiful no matter the shade. Must I also mention the hypocrisy of telling white girls to be darker but dark girls to be whiter? Everyone needs to get their act together. Don’t let absurd American beauty standards control the way you live your life. Be better than society! (Friendly reminder to get any strange moles looked at by your dermatologist immediately.)
Step Five:
The Ultimate Beach ‘Do
As the days tick by, getting closer and closer to summer, you probably fall asleep with visions of yourself with those perfect beach waves, frizz-free and shiny. Open your eyes. This is nothing but an absurd delusion conjured up by the evil, money-hungry hair product industry. Between running in and out of the ocean, playing beach volleyball, and laying in the sand and reading some Joan Didion, your hair will surely be a tangled, frizzy mess. Embrace it! You don’t go to the beach so you can look pretty to please frat boys.
No matter what, I’m sure all of you are going to have a great summer because women are fantastic and do wonderful things. And remember, the only makeup you should carry with you is mace disguised as lipstick, which you are fully within your rights to use on any cat-callers.
Rachel Mucha is a sophomore journalism major whose bangin’ thighs could totally crush the head of any misogynist. You can email her at [email protected].