HAHAHAHA WHY SO SERIOUS, OBAMA?
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Senate is under close review after several alleged accounts of what the White House is calling “shenanigans.” This tomfoolery has been described in a variety of ways, including: “dicking around while making bank,” “changing tiny things that actually end up having a shit-ton of repercussions,” and “just generally being asshats” (all quotes taken directly from Barack Obama’s most recent State of the Union Address).
Filibustering, a tactic used in the senate to cause reconsiderations of previous votes/opinions, has become what Vice President Joe Biden calls “a shit-show.”
“Those damn jackasses aren’t holding filibusters!” said the Scranton-raised VP.
“They’re making someone stand in the front and speak gibberish while they get paid to order pizza and get drunk! I suggested that years ago and nobody listened! They think they can just steal my ideas and expect me not to call them on it? Hell no!”
There is an ongoing investigation into who instigated these ragers, but there is one suspect being researched in particular following a note which appeared on the Commander-in-Chief’s desk this past week. It read:
“Riddle me this, Obama: How many drunk senators does it take to destroy your administration? I guess we’ll just have to find out, won’t we?”
Although it was only signed “The Riddler,” the F.B.I. has concluded that the secret identity of the one who sent it is Senator John McCain, who evidently forgot to use paper that was not letter-headed, “From the desk of John McCain.” There is no word on his current whereabouts, although he was seen recently in a Starbucks wearing a bright green suit covered in question marks.
One of the baristas who served him reported, “I just figured, ‘Hey. It’s John McCain. He’s a generally confused old man, right? That must be why there are question marks all over his suit. Nothing unusual there.’ So I didn’t say anything to him at the time. I mean, he had a hard enough time ordering a drink. I didn’t want to fluster him even more than he already was.”
Another major finding is that the swearing-in oath has been changed considerably. The report has revealed that the original work has been replaced with the following:
“I, [name here], do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Royal Knowles-Carter Family against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation because of Blue Ivy Carter’s flawless hair, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me, our Lord and Savior, Beyoncé.”
While some may say the oath is problematic, there is support from the public:
“Yes, yes, good,” said Lex Luthor, infamous businessman and egotistical maniac. “All of the leaders of the world will be distracted by her bootylicious body, and I will finally be able to take over! Bwahahaha!”
Meanwhile, others were met with confusion:
“Wait, that’s like… a real thing? I thought it was an article from The Onion or something. Damn,” remarked Aquaman who has time to sit around and read The Onion, because he isn’t a real superhero anyway.
No one is sure who is to blame for this, but signs are pointing to Catwoman, as the final draft of the oath had what the C.I.A. identified as “bits of hairball” on it. Although the identity of Catwoman is unknown, Maine Senator Susan Collins was seen leaving her house in a leather jumpsuit this week, which has raised some suspicions.
In another turn of events, the Senate was also reported to have been yelling things like “nope,” “uh-uh, honey,” and “nooo, Gaga, nooo,” at deafening decibels whenever they disagreed with another senator’s statements. While this kind of dissent is nothing out of the ordinary, the First Lady has spoken out against it, saying, “I can’t sleep at night with all their hootin’ and hollerin’. We can hear it from the White House! The girls have school in the morning! Also, don’t forget to vote, kids! #Turnoutforwhat.”
The senators have also been caught binging on Netflix during their meetings, watching such shows as 90210, Pretty Little Liars, and Gossip Girl, among many others. It has been reported that the senators then allegedly dedicate several hours to debates on which characters are “obviously gay and just don’t know it.” They’ve also been accused of drawing explicit fanart of the actors and actresses and passing them around during these deliberations.
Some are speculating that the ring leader of these binge-a-thons is the psychotic Joker, whose twisted sense of humor allows him to find the pain of others amusing. However, it is assumed that he did not expect the Senators to take so kindly to these shows and has had his plan backfire on him.
The Joker’s associate and otherwise batshit crazy villain Harley Quinn has commented, saying, “Mistah J is doin’ so much more damage than he even meant to! The Senators may not be in pain, but the democracy of the United States is practically crumblin’ ‘cause of him! Ain’t my puddin’ so smart?”
Whoever the masterminds are behind all of this upheaval in Washington, I think we can all agree that a nation built upon the perfection of Beyoncé is destined to succeed, a Senate full of villains or not.
Grace Rychwalski is a sophomore writing major who thinks Harvey Dent would be a step up from John Bohner. #2face4speaker2k16 Email her at [email protected]