McDonald’s limited-time items’ permanent side effects
Attention! This is a Public Service Announcement for any and all who look forward to McDonald’s exclusive once-a-year items. Those who love the famous McRib and the ever popular Shamrock Shake are in for a massive upset. There has been some recent news that these two popular items have been on a murdering spree. Now, there is no need to be too alarmed. These food items are not going around with pitchforks and machetes, but they are killing in their own way.
In the past few years, there have been over 300 cases of people consuming these products and rapidly gaining weight; on average, two to about three pounds an hour. Not only do these people gain the large amounts of weight, but they also have a newfound addiction to McDonald’s food, which adds to their weight gain; it’s becoming a vicious cycle. Scientists can’t explain the phenomena, but after much testing, they have guessed that there is some sort of additive put into the annual food.
“My fellow scientists and I have been doing extensive research on these items and the addition of pounds onto the innocent people who are consuming these products is remarkably growing,” says Dr. Daphnie Violetta, a local scientist in a research facility that could not be named. “We have a feeling that it is due to the fact that these products are becoming more and more popular around the world. The more people buying these products, the more people are getting this unfortunate side effect.”
Due to the sudden growth in numbers of people who are being affected by the limited time specials, Ronald McDonald has been taken in by authorities to be questioned. The authorities have reason to suspect that the friendly clown is behind this pandemonium. The clown has been in for questioning before with the McHotDog (an attempt to bring hotdogs into fast food establishments to show that people will literally buy anything from McDonald’s. There were no findings against Ronald McDonald in this case).
Now, it isn’t to say that the fans of McDonald’s and their exclusive items can’t continue to enjoy the luxurious tasting Shamrock Shake or the delectable McRib sandwich – just be careful and understand that the food item that you get may make you forget that any restaurant other than McDonald’s exists. The McRib is due to be released in mid-October to November, and the Shamrock shake will debut when it always does, which is right around St. Patrick’s Day. You have been warned. This has been a public service announcement.
Kayleigh Jones is a sophomore speech pathology major claims to have a sex tape featuring Ronald McDonald and the Burger King. Send bitcoins to her PayPal for deets. Email her at [email protected]