Christmas pageant rudely interrupted by second coming of Jesus
BREAKING NEWS– (Dec. 1, 2013): Noodle, Texas- Hundreds of pint-sized, bratty pageant children and their obnoxious parents have been relentlessly protesting outside of the Vatican for the last week, after a radically evangelical incident at The Annual America USA Children’s Winter Wonderland Beauty Pageant.
Upon mistaking the event for a Christmas pageant, the all-famous Jesus Christ made a special trek back to Earth to make a surprise guest appearance for who he thought would be an audience of eager, righteous believers. To his dismay, however, the only spectators of his impromptu debut were an abundance of child pre-Madonna’s and their glitzy mothers.
“I’mma let you finish, but praise the lord,” Christ uttered mid-dissension. Though Christ anticipated expressions of recognition, worship and awe, he was unpleasantly disappointed to find mothers furious and flabbergasted, after he unknowingly stole their daughters’ spotlights. Longtime pageant-winning Destiny Crystal-Light and her mother, Hope, definitely had the biggest and most unfriendly reactions of ferocity.
“The guy with the beard and bed sheets interrupted me; some of my audience looked away from me for a second!” Destiny said.
Since her time as a fetus, Destiny has been competing in pageants for three years straight. Though she still won the prize of $200 and the biggest crown, she was extremely disappointed by her audience’s momentary divergence of attention towards Christ’s unplanned appearance. Despite her bruised ego, however, Destiny’s Texan fans strongly encourage her to continue following her dreams of vanity and child-glamour.
Destiny’s mother, Hope Crystal-Light also vehemently protested the incident. She believes that Christ’s interruption during Destiny’s performance was a malicious act of ageism, and plans to convert to a more serious religion within the week.
“Just because this guy is over 2000 years old, does not mean he can disrespect my little beauty queen…she is a superstar and was totally embarrassed to get stood up on stage like that. I once was lost, but now am found… because I am now starting to practice Pastafarianism,” Crystal-Light said through tears.
Unfortunately, reporters missed their chances to get a final word from Christ, prior to his humiliated ascension back into the heavens. He did, however, leave each contestant and their families with a very dense fruitcake, accompanied with a note which sarcastically read, “Happy Birthday to Me.” Despite Christ’s evident rage, contestants have since done very little to regain his forgiveness, as they have been too busy protesting.
In addition to countless bottles of no-tears children’s beauty products being strewn throughout Vatican City, a number of distressed pageant mothers are currently focused on implementing a “Child Pageant Star Week” to compensate for the attention that their daughters lost on the fateful day of 2013’s Annual America USA Children’s Winter Wonderland Beauty Pageant. Updates on these occupying mothers and on Jesus’ future earthly interruptions will be continuously posted.
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Lizzy Rosenberg is a sophomore IMC major who is hosting her own Christmas pageant, all messiahs welcome. Email her to RSVP at erosenb3[at]ithaca.edu.