Against the advice of his crack team of legal advisors, Donald Trump has announced that he will continue his campaign to become the next President of the United States. Trump said that despite an unsuccessful bid against President Barack Obama in 2012, he still refuses to concede defeat.
The magnanimous mogul made his pronouncement today from a podium beneath the colossus-esque solid gold statue of himself in the lobby of the Trump Taj Mahal Las Vegas to an audience that reports estimate numbered in the dozens.
“I’m not going to let things go that easy,” he said. “If I made a habit of giving up and quitting on things for my whole life, I probably would have been a…you know…slightly less rich person.”
Trump first attacked Obama for comments he made, suggesting their rivalry stemmed from old soccer enmity growing up in Kenya.
“I resent that flippant, irresponsible remark and deny it in the strongest possible terms,” he said. “Everyone on that soccer team knew that I was a better player than him, but he got all the breaks. I mean, the coach was probably his dad or something.”
In support of the election bid, Trump, who insisted on being called “the Donald” at the conference, has been grudgingly convinced to improve his public image. One campaign poster present at the rally tellingly featured a Sharpie revision changing the second word of Trump’s former slogan “You’re Fired, America!” to “You’re Hired America…Maybe.”
Trump’s message seems to be gathering support of late, possibly due to his promise to use his vast fortune and finally obtain a respectable hairpiece if elected. Supporter Rupert Murdoch, spoke highly of the Donald’s campaign in a recent shareholder conference.
“He really understands what people like me are going through,” Murdoch said. “And he knows we will not simply roll over and let the government tell us what to do with our dough. It’s mine, all mine I tell you!”
Although former Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs is no longer alive to give his opinion on the subject of Trump’s candidacy, Trump swears the last paragraph of his will allegedly contains an anagram constructed using the second letter of each word, spelling out the phrase “Good luck Donald.”
Trump also added that he is dropping another doozy regarding Obama’s origins.
“I have certified, guaranteed, 100 percent concrete evidence that proves our so-called President is not only not a citizen of the United States, but also not a citizen of this planet,” he said. “His family illegally immigrated to Earth from Venus in order to exploit our free water and cheap healthcare coverage. Trust me, if you were from Venus you’d see the attraction, too.”
When asked how he would change America, Trump explained, “Casino weekends will be mandatory to stimulate the economy, everyone making over five million dollars a year will get to annex their own former Soviet country and the sweet nectar we drink will be the tears shed by the crushed spirits of the poor. Wait, I’m sorry, but did I say that out loud?”
Kyle Robertson is a junior journalism major who will probably vote for Reba. Email him at krobert4[at]ithaca[dot]edu.