Steroids Anonymous seeks new chairman
We are three days into the SAC-D (Steroid Anonymous Chairman Decathlon) and the race is heating up. With current chairman, Mark McGwire retiring in July, Lance Armstrong has taken a lead over current second place racer Barry Bonds in an event designed to decide who gets the top spot of Chairman of the Steroid Anonymous. Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun are in third and forth respectively. Armstrong pulled ahead during the 30 mile Bike Race, an event Armstrong scoffed off as “child’s play.” The notorious biker finished the race in 36 minutes.
When asking what he thought of his performance, Armstrong replied, “It was a great ride, not my best, but good. Also, I am obligated to tell the world that I did not take performance enhancers during that run.” His previous ride, that occurred last Wednesday as a ‘warm up’, took a little longer (around four hours).
For those new to the Decathlon, ex-steroid users have come from around the world to compete in the race that will decide who is in charge of the future meetings of Steroids Anonymous. This year, the Decathlon had a record-breaking 20 racers (although not all of them gave their names due to current contractual clauses to the Yankees). The events range from the bike race, to floor mopping and end with a home run derby. When asked about the diversity of the Decathlon, Steroids Anonymous Treasurer Jose Conseca stated, “we want a guy — or girl, but probably a guy — to prove that he is a master of athletics but also can also do what a chairman is supposed to do, like clean up after the Girlfriend Murderers Anonymous and bring the healthy, low-testosterone snacks.”
There has been recent skepticism regarding whether or not all the athletes in the race are truthful about their use of performance enhancers (or lack thereof). Former NFL star Shawne Merriman said, “I’m pretty sure most of the athletes in the competition are using performance enhancing materials. Or at least I am.”
When asked for examples of cheating in the competition, Merriman mentioned that most of the competitors used dictionaries on their smart phones during the Spelling Bee portion. In addition, during the cooking category, Merriman said that he specifically saw an athlete use frozen mashed potatoes in his Shepherd’s Pie instead of homemade mashed potatoes.
The Muscle Limitation Bureau or MLB (not to be confused with Major League Baseball) has investigated these reports after several other athletes reported the same thing, but so far no evidence has been discovered. Although the head director of the MLB, Jason Giambi, announced that Melky Cabrera was seen moving the ballpark walls closer to him during the Home Run Derby, he was not available to deny these rumors. If these allegations are true, it seems that most of the athletes have completed a common step of Steroid Anonymous.
“After completing the reconcilliation phase, where members read a hand-written apology to their personal trainers, the next step is usually switching to a different form of cheating” said McGwire. When reporters asked if he thought it stalled the recovery process McGwire simply shurgged, saying, “there’s a different support group for that.”
There are two more days of activity until the new chairman will be chosen. If Armstrong wins the competition, he has vowed to make the first meeting all about finding new ways to make people wear his Livestrong bracelets again. The chairman will serve four years or until he runs a seven minute mile.
If you or someone you know is dependent upon steroids, please come to the next SA meeting located at your local batting cage.
Chris Thomas is a freshman TVR major who has never used steroids, only Adderall. Email him at cthomas5[at]ithaca[dot]edu.