Researchers find little on desolate wasteland of former social networking site
Questions have been circulating since the announcement that funding to NASA would be cut significantly in the coming years. According to a source, NASA has spent countless taxpayer dollars searching for life on the once popular social networking website, MySpace.
For those of you who don’t remember, MySpace, once thought to be only a fabled internet land that preceded Facebook, has been confirmed to once have held life. After the Zuckerberg Invasion of 2004, however, it was clear that all life had been terminated with one swift “poke.”
Since the invasion, NASA has been adamant on proving that there may still be hope for MySpace. So adamant, it seems, that they were willing to spend millions of dollars to send a rover nicknamed “Tom 2.0” into cyberland. So far, it has turned up nothing but the shadows of a man in a white shirt, a band called “Ballz to the Wallz” and Justin Timberlake.
Due to pressure from conservative politicians, the Obama administration has announced that funding for NASA will be cut due to the low number of developments made in the last seven years. This act does prompt questions as to why it was allowed to carry on for so long.
“Perhaps instead of wasting money searching the remnants of a teenager’s old bulletin messages, we should be have spent that money on something important, like returning to the moon,” former GOP candidate Newt Gingrich said in a statement, citing Obamacare as a reason for why life has not been found on the social network.
Unfortunately for the Obama administration, time has run out. Sources say in the seven years that the probe has been searching, it still has not yielded any new discoveries, save for a few eighth graders and their “bands.” This alone is not enough to justify pumping money into the program, and as the deadline draws close, it seems unlikely that NASA will make significant discoveries anytime soon.
“Please, give us something to do. Anything,” Richard Foster, a NASA researcher, said.
Several sources have pointed to the site’s creator, known only as “Tom” for an answer. Numerous attempts to contact this “Tom” have been unsuccessful. Though we were able to contact a man claiming to be Tom, once we viewed the bulletin containing just a picture of a man’s genitals and the caption “How’s this for your top 8,” we determined the claim was fraudulent.
It is rumored that the real Tom has been hiding out for the past eight years on Friendster.
Rachel Maus is a sophomore cinema and photography major who was NEVER friends with Tom. Email her at rmaus1[at]ithaca[dot]edu.