Family and friends are deeply concerned
Jake Planter (17) used to be your everyday trendy high school student. With a slight tan that hadn’t… faded from summer and a zit that never seemed to fully disappear, he blended seamlessly with the other 1,400 individualists that made up J. Pollack High. That was until 6 p.m. Monday evening when Jake made a decision that would affect not just his life, but his afterlife as well: he dyed his hair red.
Planter, who felt his personality clashed with his generic black hair, picked up the ‘Rockin’ Red’ hair dye from Hot Topic earlier in the week in hopes that it would showcase his individuality.
“When people see me, I want them to know I’m not your normal paint-stained, jean wearing kid. I’m a progressive thinker and what better way to express that than a bright red fo’hawk?” Planter explained.
Due to his naturally dark hair color however, ‘Rockin’ Red’ faded into a ‘red-orange’ or rather ‘mostly orange’ shade and Planter has found himself standing apart in a different way. Suffering from a recent loss of morality and fierce loyalty to Carrot Top, the teenager has been showing symptons of Gingervitis.
“There’s just like nothing there, inside, conscience-wise I mean. I made fun of this girl’s love handles at lunch and didn’t feel at all after. Even after she heard and refused to eat for the rest of the day. It’s kind of cool actually.” Aside from verbally assaulting peers, Planter also reportedly spray painted all the faculty cars in the parking lot orange as well as stole all the colored pencils from the art room except Crayola Mac-and-cheese.
Educators of J. Pollack find themselves tired of Planter’s teenage expressionism. Health Teacher Francine DeWitt said, “I’ve taught this kind before, we used to have an Irish Catholic family in the system. We can just hope that his roots grow back at a steady rate or he gets bullied in gym class, whichever comes first.”
“I’ve seen students huffing paint and popping pills in the bathroom, but never have I seen this level of self-mutilation! I don’t know if I can properly handle the level of psychological and moral issues he must have,” said Guidance Counselor Hilary Polk when asked to have Planter put on suicide watch.
2Kool4Skool, the hip, emerging company that manufactures the dye, reported having a similar incident with their color, ‘Electric Orange’ years earlier. A representative stated, “Parents were having a meltdown, some even called in exorcisms to save their kid’s souls. I think Paramore was going on tour or something.”
For now, Jake’s friends and family plan on holding a séance to redeem Jake’s contaminated spirit. His mother, Martha, was spotted bringing inspirational letters, a Bible, and a lock of his old hair.
“From his seventh grade hair cut,” she sobbed out to the press, “hopefully it will remind him of the person he used to be.”
Jake was last spotted walking around his home with an orange Sharpie, coloring over his hair in every family photo and cackling maniacally.
“It’s like I’ve been this way forever.”
Catherine Fisher is a junior cinema & photography major who thinks red hair would properly showcase her political views. Email her at cfisher2[at]ithaca.edu