by Zach Anderson
Sources say the morning started out as a routine class period, with various students on the verge of falling asleep, and “that one kid in the front row” taking way too many notes. But at approximately 9:42, Vondopoulos’ lecture strayed, and the cavalcade of unadulterated academic bomb dropping that followed was, according to one student, “totally not in the PowerPoint.”
“It was far out man,” reported freshman Zeke Droggitis, whose inability to articulate the full extent of his psychological damage is a direct result of Vondopoulos’ intellectual thrashing. “The ending of Fight Club,” Droggitis insisted, shaking his head, “doesn’t even compare.”
Vondopoulos’ presentation, which for safety purposes cannot be reproduced in print, reportedly included a used pair of Adidas, a partially ripe banana and a topographical map of southern Mongolia. With these three items, Vondopoulos laid siege to the mental predispositions of one Jason DePalma, whose former assumptions about the nature of cyclical poverty in the East were later discovered scattered on the carpet at the scene of the crime by the 10:40 Forensic Anthropology class.
Reportedly at the end of class, while other students were heading for the door, DePalma looked down at his notebook and book bag and continuously repeated the phrase “these are not my things,” in an exasperated tone for little over a minute. When a fellow classmate asked him what was wrong, he responded by taking off his shoes and dashing out of the room. DePalma was later seen standing outside Textor Hall talking to a credit card.
The Ithaca College Dean of Humanities and Sciences, So-Anne So, thoroughly assured the public that a sufficiently dull and inarticulate assistant professor will be called upon to fill the vacancy left in Dr. Vondopoulos’ wake.
“Make no mistake,” said So-Anne So, “There will be more readings, more busy-work, and absolutely no further in-class discussion on how the class relates to students’ everyday lives, which I believe is the very root of this tragedy.”
Though the Tompkins County Police Department refused to let any member of the press in to interview Vondopoulos, they did allow the professor to release a message – a yellow index card bearing the note: “Help. Please let me telephone my wife and two daughters.” Police graphologists are carefully studying the conspicuous note for any hidden messages or secret codes which may be intended to blow yet more minds.
DePalma’s parents could not be reached for questioning, but an undercover source reveals that they have “no comment” for the press at this time.
David Myers is a freshman writing major who watches Momento and The Matrix at least once a week. Email him at dmyers1[at]ithaca.edu.