“Three is a charm, two is not the same,” Britney Spears croons on her latest pop hit, “3,” “I don’t see the harm, so are you game?”
Threesomes have seen a recent surge of attention in the mainstream, between Spears’ melodic ode to them and a highly publicized hook-up among characters of The CW’s Gossip Girl.
However, the act has long been a constant in pop culture—even outside of pornography. Jefferson Airplane’s 1968 song “Triad” included the lyrics, “I don’t really see/Why we can’t go on as three.” No one can forget the steamy threesome scenes in films such as Wild Things, starring Neve Campbell and Denise Richards, or Alfonso Cuarón’s Y Tu Mamá También. Popular TV shows ranging from Seinfeld to Sex and the City and Entourage to The L Word have featured at least discourse about the threesome. There was even a film called Threesome, starring a pre-Jesus freak Stephen Baldwin.
What makes it so appealing? The act of the threesome has retained an almost legendary status among sexual adventurism, sufficiently avoiding the freak flag waved by other forms of sexual kink or fetish (see last month’s Buzzsaw article on Furries).
An ABC News poll found 14 percent of adults have actually had a threesome, although the number doubled among single men and an additional 21 percent admitted they fantasized about it. (We have yet to see if Britney Spears’ resounding affirmation will result in any significant jump. Will she be the sexual Oprah?)
Still, it remains a popular extracurricular activity for couples looking for additional spice or just three friends with longstanding sexual tension. And while there’s a bevy of information on how to arrange or initiate a threesome (key advice: get all prospective members drunk), there isn’t much said on what to do when you actually find yourself in one.
Because there are so many different compositions for threesomes, the rules are always different. For example, gay threesomes have an advantage in that everyone is at least hypothetically attracted to everyone else. Rules also change depending on whether the threesome involves a couple, whether it’s planned or unplanned and what the gender composition is.
There are two overarching themes for completing a successful threesome, though: comfort and communication. Comfort comes first, and that means making sure you’re okay with both the idea of a threesome and all parties involved. As a friend told me, “With the right three people, threesomes can be awesome and a lot of fun. With the wrong three people, it can get hella awkward.”
Communication is also vital: always establish boundaries and know the others’ rules and limits. This is especially important when the threesome intersects with a preexisting relationship, since the relationship will almost certainly be affected in some way by the experience.
If you and your partner do decide to add a third, make sure you give your actual partner slightly more attention. In all other cases, split it evenly. There’s nothing worse than when one member becomes an actual third wheel; for example, if Larry and Moe are really hitting it off to the neglect of Curly, Curly is at best likely to have his ego severely bruised, and at worst, will take his Curly goodies and bolt.
This brings up another common occurrence in threesomes, especially those with poor communication: the aborted session, wherein one party—for whatever reason—decides to pack up and leave pre-climax. My advice for this situation? It’s totally a game-time decision, but unless there are grave emotional reasons for the swift exit, the two remaining members should feel no guilt in continuing.
Despite all these potential pitfalls, threesomes can still be a great way to add excitement to the bedroom, explore yourself sexually, expand your love to more people or just have a good time. And with mounting research challenging any biological mandate for monogamy in humans, it might just be as healthy as any other expression of sex and romance.
I don’t see the harm. Are you game?