Paul didn’t like Valentine’s Day. Sure, he could appreciate the concept of a holiday focused on spending time with loved ones and showing them affection. In practice, he discovered it was mostly an excuse for corporations to pressure everyone into spending exorbitant amounts of money. If you’re in a relationship, there’s this societal pressure that you have to do something for it, and whatever you do for the holiday is indicative of how much you truly love someone. If you’re single, that’s even worse. Paul hated getting all of those pitying looks from family members, along with a pat on the shoulder and a reassurance that ‘the right person will come along eventually’, as if he had asked for their opinion on his love life. If there was anyone who would change Paul’s mind on the holiday, it would be Jake.
Jake liked holidays. Well, it was more accurate to say that Jake liked having any excuse he could to make gifts for the people he cared about. Ever since he was a little kid making macaroni art for his parents, Jake loved the look of unbridled joy and surprise when someone he loved received a gift. Although he didn’t like to brag, Jake had gotten quite skilled at making art since those macaroni days of yore. Recently, he had taken up knitting, and what started as a fun hobby to relax after class soon became a hyperfixation like no other. Jake channeled this interest into knitting stuffed animals, initially for himself and then for his friends. In January, Jake had started working on a Valentine’s gift for Paul. He knew that he couldn’t just give him one of his stuffed animals, although Paul would have gladly accepted it. This needed to be something special. Something that showed he cared.
It was a typical Friday night. They were watching a movie in Jake’s apartment, waiting for the pizza they ordered. Fridays were their designated movie nights, giving them a chance to unwind after an exhausting week of class. It also gave Paul a chance to watch movies for fun and not for class, as being a film major sucked most of the casual enjoyment out of it. Jake would usually pick out some cheap romcom and they’d make fun of it together. Paul wasn’t really feeling it tonight, though. It was one of those winter days where everything was gray and miserable, and everything felt gross. Paul kind of just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep, but Jake was really looking forward to watching this movie.
“It’s crazy that they left that in, right?” Jake asked, startling Paul out of his bleary stupor.
“Uh. Left what in?” Jake emphatically gestured to the tv.
“You could see the microphone in that shot. I can’t believe they didn’t catch it.”
“Oh, yeah. That’s funny.” Paul chuckled, hoping it didn’t come out sounding forced.
Jake raised his eyebrow, but didn’t say anything, to Paul’s relief. He knew that Jake cared about him, but, if he was being honest, having his undivided attention was too exhausting at the moment. Jake opened and closed his mouth, as if contemplating what he wanted to say. Slowly, he reached behind the couch and pulled out a box. A gift box.
“Happy Valentine’s Day!”
Oh. Fuck. Jake smiled sheepishly, placing it in Paul’s lap. The wrapping paper had cartoon cats holding candy hearts. It was sweet, and corny, and so unbelievably Jake. Paul slowly unwrapped the gift, careful not to rip the paper. Part of him didn’t want to open it. He didn’t deserve this. Not when he hadn’t gotten anything for Jake. Not when he let his stupid cynicism cloud him from actually thinking of someone else for once. He opened the box.
It was a sweater, impossibly soft to the touch and moss green. God, he was a terrible boyfriend. Jake thankfully didn’t notice Paul’s inner turmoil.
“You know how I’ve been super into knitting recently?”
Paul nodded, unable to meet Jake’s eyes. He was looking at the sweater instead, sitting heavy on his lap. His thoughts began to swarm. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve to be with him. He’ll leave, and you’ll deserve that too.
“I wanted to make you something and I was like, ‘well, since I’ve become the master of making stuffed animals, why not give sweaters a try? Turns out, it wasn’t as easy as YouTube tutorials made it look. It’s really not fair, they get the power of filters and editing while us chumps in the real world have to deal with holey sweaters and bloody fingers.”
Jake was still talking, but it sounded fuzzy and unclear. Paul felt like he was underwater, and his thoughts were drowning him. He brought the sweater up to his face, instinctively trying to hide.
It smelled like Jake. Smelled like his cologne, his coconut shampoo. His warmth, his hugs.
And you’ll never feel them again, after he finds out.
Paul felt a hand on his shoulder, cutting through his spiral.
He didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to see the disappointment in his face.
“Woah, hey. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Paul brought his hand to his face, only to wipe away a hot tear. He hadn’t even registered that he was crying.
“I’m sorry. I don’t deserve this.” Paul shoved the sweater into Jake’s arms, moving to stand up. Jake stood up too.
“What are you talking about? Of course you deserve it.” Jake paused, frowning.
“If you don’t like it, I-”
“No, no. It’s not that.” Paul shook his head.
“I love it. It’s amazing and thoughtful and I’ve never gotten such a personalized gift before but I don’t deserve it. I didn’t get you anything.”
There it is. Now he’ll leave for sure. Paul wanted to leave, to run out of the apartment and hide forever, but his feet were stuck to the floor. He looked away, bracing himself for disappointment. For anger. Maybe a hand, the crack of a palm against his face.
Instead, Jake pulled him into a gentle hug.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was smooth and soft.
“I didn’t mean to make you upset. I wanted to make you this because I love you, not because I was expecting something in return. You don’t owe me anything.” Paul pulled back.
“I should’ve remembered, though. It’s a big deal.”
“Wasn’t it you who told me that Valentine’s Day was just a shill for corporate greed and capitalism?” Paul scoffed, but he felt himself smile.
“Well, yeah.”
“So it’s not a big deal. I don’t think anything less of you because you didn’t get me a box of chocolates. I eat enough chocolate as it is; I might as well be made of the stuff.”
Paul let out a small chuckle.
“Okay, so no chocolate. I’m still going to give you something, though.” Jake smiled warmly.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
. . .
It was a typical Friday night. Jake had mostly forgotten about the whole Valentine’s Day ordeal. He really didn’t mind if Paul didn’t get him anything, but he felt awful that Paul felt so guilty about it. At least he seemed to be feeling a little better; he had even started wearing the sweater, to Jake’s delight. They were watching a cheesy Netflix romcom, like usual, and making snarky comments about the unrealistic and cheesy plot. Jake noticed that Paul didn’t seem very enthusiastic, not making as much commentary as usual. In fact, he seemed a bit nervous, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt and not meeting Jake’s eyes. Jake hoped he wasn’t still feeling guilty about the gift thing. It really wasn’t that big of a deal.
Before he knew it, the couple finally got together and the credits started rolling. Paul cleared his throat awkwardly, catching Jake’s attention.
“Sorry, it’s kind of a belated gift.” He pulled a stack of papers from his messenger bag, passing it to Jake.
“Oh, you really didn’t have to…” Jake trailed off as he scanned the text. It was a script. The first page outlined a scene of two characters having a picnic. As Jake read it, he felt himself smile. The two characters had cheesy banter as they drank coffee and ate sandwiches. It started to rain, but instead of going inside, they ran around and danced in it, reveling in the freedom of a new love. It was unapologetically cute and sappy; something Paul would have definitely made fun of.
“Its sort of out of my comfort zone, so I’m not really sure how it turned out.” Jake noticed that Paul’s face had turned red. He felt a little guilty for finding it cute. Jake leaned over and gave Paul a hug.
“I love it. Thank you.”