I worried a lot as a kid. I had mastered the art of it. I was a professional. I could worry about anything you gave me.
Outer space. What do you mean it’s never-ending? They sent a dog there once? Poor thing, why would they do that? Was she scared? I would be scared.
And the ocean? Don’t get me started on the ocean. Something that is ON our planet, and only about 20% of it has been explored. That’s terrifying. What is lurking in the water? Will it come say hello to me as I swim in the Jersey Shore waters?
There were things I believed would cause a hassle in my life growing up that ultimately never did. Every time I was in nature, I would worry about getting stuck in quicksand. In the woods, at the beach, and even sometimes in my backyard. The mind is a strong force. TV and movies growing up made this feel like it would be something I would have to deal with at least ONCE in my life. But alas, I never have. But who knows, I still got time.
One time I lost my tooth on Christmas Eve. Many children would hear this and be excited! Oh my goodness, the tooth fairy AND Santa will get to be at my house! How exciting! This was a nightmare for a child who worries. How would this work? What were the logistics? Did the tooth fairy know it was Christmas? The thought of a big man coming into my house scared me, but I was prepared. But the tooth fairy? She would be flying blind. She could get scared, and then I would get no money. Yes, I would be getting presents, but I didn’t want to be cheaped out on. They couldn’t treat me like a child whose birthday is near Christmas and just combine the gifts. If we were going to do this, we had to do it the right way.
As I grew, so did my worries. They grew and grew and would roll onto each other and create a giant snowball of worries. I would get a bad grade in math or make a bad play in soccer, and would convince myself I would never be able to succeed. I was good at blowing things up, playing out every single aspect of a situation and what would go wrong and what it could lead to.
My parents rarely fought. In fact, most of the time they were grossly affectionate and deeply in love. So when I would occasionally hear them having an argument, I believed that it was the end. I became a doomsday prepper. I would sit and listen and imagine life as a child of divorce. What would I bring to mom’s house vs. dad’s house? How would we celebrate holidays? I guess we could set up a rotating schedule. Would this confuse Santa? I will not be calling her mom. Meanwhile, the rest of my family was unfazed, their brains not running like mine.
And yet, despite all my worries, I’m still here. Outer space is still vast, the ocean is still deep, and my parents are still together. The quicksand never swallowed me whole. The tooth fairy found her way. Life has a funny way of continuing, even when my brain tries to convince me otherwise.