When school was a thing, they never taught us tips and tricks to survive the zombie apocalypse. But, I have learned a thing or two in the past few years dear reader and I will share some advice with you now.
So, class is in session, welcome to what I like to call How Do I Survive 101!
With that said…how does one survive a zombie apocalypse?
I have five main points for you, loosely held together by dashes of hope, sprinkles of luck, and plenty of sheer stubbornness. Hang on tight, this is a wild ride:
#1: Be smart. Zombies aren’t the smartest but they still should not be underestimated. The movies only got so many things correct. Don’t approach them or try to provoke them. You should know that not taking my advice will cause your brain to disappear in a horrific flash of pain and you won’t remember anything at all.
#2: Stay calm. The worst thing you can do is scream. The noise will attract every single zombie from miles away and no matter how loud, long, or hard you scream…absolutely nobody is coming to save you.
#3: If you smell like them, (a steaming pile of garbage, sewage, and death) they are more likely to leave you alone. I’ll leave it at that, you know what to do.
#4: Carry weapon(s) but only use them as necessary. Zombies used to be someone’s sister, brother, twin, mother, father, cousin, aunt, uncle, baby, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, daughter, son, father-in-law, mother-in-law, friend, godfather, godmother, godchild, grandchild, grandfather, grandmother, great-grandparent, stepchild, nephew, niece…my hand hurts but you get the picture. Senseless violence doesn’t honor who they once were or honor who you still are. Remaining sane is important, isn’t it, otherwise what is the point in surviving this harsh world? Regardless, I digress. This isn’t a moral propaganda piece after all.
#5: Make friends, but trust yourself first. Your gut is your best friend and people can sell you out FAST. It’s nothing personal (probably), they are just trying to survive, too. Thus you need to know when it is time to get out for your own survival.
#6: Be cautious but not too cautious. Sometimes taking risks will put you in a better position. Just make sure your risks are carefully calculated and will pay off in the end.
If you have received this pamphlet, you now know what to do. I hope to see you at our in person meeting next Friday the 13th at 3am, so keep your wits about you. Good luck, and stay alive.