It’s a sickening evening in May and the thing is,
I don’t know how to get the stain out of my satin summer dress.
Do I bother? it barely fits me anymore
too small for my chest
too tight for my legs
It’s terrible how much a body changes.
On a sweltering evening in May
I go to the beach and blink
at the number of seashells showing through the sand
and cry at the fact there are thousands of more below me
that I will never be privileged enough to see.
On a suffocating evening in May
I stare at a leaf the wind has brought me
and feel like nothing matters more
I feel so much love for the world that it disarms me
and it leaves me gasping for air
holding my arms out to the sun
and I find that this will never change
On a soothing evening in May
I sit at my vanity and watch
as a puddle of spilled nail polish moves me in a way
only jazz ever does
and I allow myself to buzz and shake with it
and I allow it to consume my body and soul
I feel everything all at once and yet
I’ve never experienced anything past my bedroom door