FYI: There are only mild spoilers ahead! I don’t give away any major plot points!
Disco was an era of funky music, afros, silk clothes, and roller skates. It was an era of
counter-cultural freedom. But it was a short-lived era, only lasting for several years in the 70’s
before dying off in 1980. Should disco stay dead? Or should it rise from the ashes and conquer
that which is without disco balls and light-up dance floors? That’s what we’ll find out in
exploring these five movies that would be greatly improved if they were recut as disco movies.
Just so we’re clear, recutting the movie would mean going back into the original footage of a
film and forming it into a new version. I don’t want remakes of these movies, I want the originals
to be enhanced as a disco version! Now, join me, and ponder the question, what if…
5. Knives Out
Starting off our list is this stylish, all-star murder mystery. And that’s style with a capital
“S.” The cast could fill an Olympic pool with all that drip! One of the revolutionary aspects of
the disco movement was obviously the fashion that went with it, so Knives Out fits right in. The
only thing missing from the costumes in this film are bell bottoms. Because the cast and set are
already dressed so colorfully, we’re already halfway to full discofication. We just need those
funky pants, the crown jewel of the disco wardrobe, on every character to complete the look.
Now that we’ve settled on the vibe, we need to enhance the story to really fit the disco
movement. And what better to elevate the film’s ending than a disco dance off? Picture this:
Daniel Craig’s detective character has solved the mystery. He corners the culprit. The lights dim.
A disco ball descends from the ceiling. Daniel Craig channels John Travolta as he describes the
intricacies of the mystery. Chris Evans and Ana De Armas join in, and pretty soon you’ve got a
perfect recreation of the end celebration from Despicable Me! Would that be a boring scene? No!
Has disco improved this movie? Absolutely!
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
This movie IS a disco movie, it just hasn’t realized it yet. It has everything you need to
revive disco!
Baggy linen clothes? Check.
Crazy hair? Check.
A cast of characters that are frequently intoxicated? Double Check.
Extensive choreography? Triple Check.
There’s only a few minor improvements needed to unleash this movie’s disco spirit that is
begging for freedom. First, the fight choreography needs to be synced to a disco soundtrack, or
more precisely, a disco remix of the existing one. This should be easy since the sword clangs can
keep the beat and fill in the iconic disco drum beat. Second, the characters need to be intoxicated
on much more experimental substances than alcohol. Finally, the poster font needs to be chrome.
But other than that, you’ve got yourself a 70s cinematic hit! And some dancing skeletons to
boot! What’s more perfect than a Halloween disco movie?
3. Jurassic Park
Alright, this one is a little different because we would have to play with the plot a bit, but
it will still work, I promise. Here’s the new scientific setup for the film. The scientists have
finally recreated dozens of dinosaur eggs. But, it gets lonely in the Jurassic Park lab working
long hours to resurrect the dead. A radio is necessary to help the scientists stay sane during their
extensive shift in the eggs’ incubation chamber. The scientists seal the chamber door on a job
they think is well done, but in their haste, the radio remains on. Gloria Gayner’s “I Will Survive”
blasts into the chamber (get that subtle symbolism!?), vibrating the eggs.
The dinosaurs finally hatch, and soon Alan Grant and the gang show up. But the
dinosaurs have one unnatural trait – because they were incubated with disco music, they don’t
want to be in cages. They want to dance! When they finally break free of captivity, the dinosaurs
don roller skates and go on a roller disco rampage. They need energy from all that physical
activity, and humans are on the menu. Isn’t that so much scarier and more intense!? Every action
sequence can be a disco number! Imagine the iconic kitchen scene, the kids frozen behind the
tables, dinosaurs whizzing by, twirling and shaking their hips. The T-Rex bursts through the huge
security fence and boogies with that one guy that rushed to the bathroom (when you gotta go,
you gotta go) in its mouth. Absolutely terrifying! And so much more effective than the original!
2. Parasite
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That movie is a masterpiece! How can it be any
better!?” I’ve got the answer for you: disco. This one is really about the sets. That big flat living
room that’s so central to so many scenes begs for a floor of rainbow tiles and a glittering disco
ball. It’s basically a dance floor already. I understand that the scene where the family hides under
the table from the home owners is already extremely suspenseful. But wouldn’t it be elevated so
much if the whole family was disco dancing while they were hiding? That would add so much to
the dread-soaked atmosphere in the way that only disco can.
Secondly, everyone talks about that bloodthirsty finale. But let’s say we choreographed
that climactic scene to the Bee Gees’ “You Should Be Dancing.” Nothing makes a scene more
intense than the Bee Gees’ “You Should Be Dancing.” Again, remember that Despicable Me
ending celebration? Absolutely white-knuckle. All in all, I think I’ve made a pretty strong case
that Parasite + Disco = A banger. Moving on.
FINALLY! THE ALL TIME #1 MOVIE THAT DEMANDS DISCOFICATION! DRUM ROLL!
BRRRRRRRRRRT! CRASH!
1. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
Star Wars is considered a “space opera,” but it should really be a “disco opera.” It truly
was made for the disco era. In fact, it’s from 1977, the catalytic year of the peak of the disco
movement. There are infinite possibilities for the Star Wars universe to be converted into disco.
Take the iconic Death Star for example. It’s literally a giant disco ball. And the whole Star Wars
universe is filled with fluorescent lasers, just like disco clubs! And finally, this is another movie
where the whole cast is stylin in baggy, fabric clothes. Darth Vader’s bionic uniform beats a
frilled, sparkling suit anyday. And, with the help of the Force, it’d be hard for Abba to compete
with boogying Jedi and Sith.
Combine the moon-sized disco ball with the funky starship light show and the hip garb,
and you’ve got yourself the full disco experience!
However, there’s one indisputable, definitive fact that proves that Star Wars should be a
disco opera. THERE IS A STAR WARS DISCO ALBUM! IT EXISTS! “Star Wars and Other
Galactic Funk” by Meco. It’s on Spotify. Check it out.
So there you have it. I hope this list shows you the unrealized potential in these iconic
films – films that could have been so much more. After examining all the missed potential in
these classics, it’s no question that every single movie should embrace the wonder of disco. Or at
least close with a celebration exactly like the beautiful disco dance party at the end of Despicable
Me!
In all seriousness, I hope you enjoyed looking at these movies in a new way, and I hope
you find the disco in your life! Always remember the 21st night of September!