To everyone that did listen,
To everyone who still listens
I saw the diamonds in her eyes,
I see the daggers from her eyes.
I used to be her diamond,
Her diamond in the rough.
She’s corrupt–
She was corrupt–
Before my very eyes…
She’ll never admit it
Until she loses the new diamond.
Makes the same mistakes,
Makes the same betrayal,
Makes the same excuses.
(Or until it’s pried from her eye)
But who knows if she’ll even admit it then?
She lacks originality,
Yet there’s something original
About the way she hurts me…
Who hurt you?
If she doesn’t want to fuck you
Then you’re nothing to her world.
You simply serve no purpose
In the grand scheme.
She doesn’t want to fuck me
Yet licks my ear and tells me she loves me.
She doesn’t want to love me
Yet she sang and flirted for half a year–
And it took seconds for her to decide to use it against me…
It took her seconds for her to decide to throw it all away.
“I just feel like you’re really the only person I can talk to about these things”
She whimsically wishes for fun times
Then hides behind impulse.
She tells me I’m delusional
For her own mistakes
In trying to make her fantasies real…
What did I do except only love?
What did I do except only trust?
What did I do except give myself a chance?
Opening myself up to someone who seemed so real
But became so false when we finally met
Face-to-face
Eye-to-eye
Hand-in-hand–
Lies and manipulation
To keep me on a string.
Hollow actions and hollow sex
(Hollow as her songs)
Like celebrating a new painting I’ve just done,
All the while eyeing one that’s already been hung up
While still insisting she loves mine.
Who hurt you?
I should’ve brought that up;
Should’ve made her swallow those words.
I had convinced myself I’d done wrong,
I had convinced my heart I was in the wrong place.
The truth was she had purposefully misplaced it-
God, I should’ve brought that up…
Should’ve reminded her what she said,
Should’ve repeated what she said,
Should’ve asked how I could’ve failed to listen
When all I did was follow her words
No matter how inconsistent.
I always listened.
Even when it was so painfully a lie,
I always listened.
I’m listening now
To myself.
I’m listening now to the bullshit
I’m listening now to all the bullshit
Used to keep me coming around
Till she started to feel her actions-
Till they set her off the edge
Down the self-righteous path,
Convinced she’d done no wrong
Once she cut me off.
She had stolen the painting
She’d been eyeing all along.
The heist she had planned along,
While telling me she loved me
Who hurt you?
“This is who I am, but right now you’re the only person I want in my life!”
She had me believing I was Icarus
(Not thinking, that’s too on the surface)
When the truth was
She had plucked my wings long ago,
Moved the Sun closer,
Then blamed me for the fall.
Blamed me for the “narrative”
What’s the narrative?
Her own mistakes,
Her own decisions.
Familiarity breeds contempt, she says…
Don’t even know what that means,
But maybe I don’t need to know.
Who hurt you?
I realized now I was drowning,
Gasping for air and hanging on to her
Too tightly, so tightly, without realizing–
Loneliness is a fatal poison when you’re unmedicated.
I was a slave to your world of lies
Because I lost my own world of truth
Walking onto a college campus,
Sitting under the stars,
Sitting in the shadows
Of uncertainty and fear.
Something I wanted to feel through pain…
You made me feel “happy.”
You made me feel…
I thought I made you feel.
Soon all I felt was pressure,
Pressure to be someone I wasn’t,
Becoming someone I wasn’t–
Talks of open relationships
Half-hearted jokes about threesomes.
Is this what she wants?
Am I doing it right?
How do I make someone like this happy?
You asking me if I’d be hurt
If you fucked someone else,
If you fucked other people–
Or you asking if I was hurt
After you did fuck someone else,
After you asked me to hold you in my arms.
Me lying next to you
And lying with tears in my eyes…
Is this what she wants?
Is this what’s right?
I only did because I thought I could
I only did because I didn’t want to hurt–
I see now that happiness can’t have one definition
But I see that you still hurt me?
Twisting the blade,
Twisting your intentions…
Why did you still choose to hurt me?
Who hurt you?
“I feel terrible for what I did to you.”
Felt terrible enough to block me,
Felt terrible enough to block all my friends…
How is that not a sign of guilt?
Want me to grow?
Want me to rise up?
After you’ve already uprooted me?
Why did you hurt me?
Why view me as an object?
Why use me as a means to an end?
Telling me you hope I recover
With your fingerprints on the blade in my back.
How long has that fucking been there?
Why wasn’t it possible?
Why was it so hard to be a good person?
Who hurt you?
I thought we were the same
(Salts and peppers of the earth)
I never judged you because I understood…
I thought you understood to,
Till you mocked me behind my back–
Laughed right in my face
While kissing me on the cheek.
I thought you understood,
Till I saw how you kept pulling me back
Once you had pushed me away.
“Too far away, too close, just right!”
“Just right, just right, just like that baby!”
“Just right until I can find someone better!”
You already planned
On letting me slip from your mind–
Let slip everything that you told me.
Makes sense to me,
That math sure adds up!
At least that’s what I think.
At least that’s what you made me think,
At least that’s what you made me feel,
At least that’s how you hurt me.
Who hurt you?
“When we’re alone I’m attracted to you, when we’re not alone I’m not”
Aren’t I more than that?
I know that I’m more than that!
I’m fucking more than that!
I tell myself you didn’t win,
Yet every sleepless night,
Yet every nightmare,
Yet every self-hating thought
Reminds me of how you made me feel–
How I was punched with shame and grief!
I’ll keep feeling that way
Until I feel fixed.
How do I fix myself?
How do I repair the damage?
Who hurt you?
“All I can say is get over it because you’re certainly struggling to get through it.”
As if it’s ever that fucking easy…
I refuse to apologize for my emotions–
For the weight of my emotions.
I refuse to apologize for you,
You, yes you
How I loathe you…
I refuse to apologize to pessimism,
I refuse to apologize to mental illness,
I refuse to apologize to the selfishness
That masquerades as confusion.
I refuse to apologize for confronting you
But I apologize for the last time we spoke.
I apologize for the bad thing I did…
After I confronted you,
I dug up another lie.
I was still grieving our friendship–
Still grieving my innocence–
Still grieving my normalcy–
Thought I had climbed out of the grave,
Only to feel your hooks in my chest again–
Only to see your smiling face still at the top
And good people that know me smiling along,
Ignorant to who you really are.
I’ve started learning
To allow myself to feel grief,
To allow myself to cry when I must,
To allow myself to feel the wounds.
But these trigger moments are rentals
And I can’t live in them forever.
I can learn to accept them,
As much as I accept who I am now.
I’ve started learning
How to make my emotions nomadic.
I’ve started learning
Not to hate myself
For getting hurt.
Can you even do that?
What does that say about you and I?
That I apologize for my part,
But you’re untouchable and benevolent?
Hate me for those feelings.
You already hate me anyways, right?
So fuck it.
Who hurt you?
Recovery isn’t linear.
Recovery is a climb–
An unforgiving climb!
Wouldn’t you sing the same songs
If I did the same to you?
Wouldn’t you listen to the same songs that I did
If I inflicted the same pain unto you?
By then you had made your choices–
Choices that nobody made for you!
Only you.
Only you.
Only you–
I knew that loneliness,
I knew how far the fall was.
Don’t you dare try to blame me
For your own fall.
Don’t you dare try to blame me
For your own missteps.
What makes us is our choices!
Our choices for what we desire–
Our choices for how we react.
Actions have consequences!
I framed my reactions to make you feel elevated
While you all you ever did was lower me–
Make me like the stepping stone
That gets tossed into the pond.
Who hurt you?
“You’re obsessed.”
Because I don’t want to eat for days,
Because I don’t want to work,
Because I want to cry random mornings,
Or brought back to the idea of our conversations
Or be brought back to our walks,
Or be brought back to our naps,
Or be brought back to our singing–
Now as faded and hated as the very songs we sang–
Because I don’t want to love and smile but cry…
Because I want to be drunk crying,
On Halloween–
(With one sock on)
Crying about what could’ve been.
If I had been “better.”
If I had been “better” at smoking,
If I had been “better” at drinking,
If I had been “better” at sex.
Crying because I eventually realized
Decorating a jar doesn’t change that it’s empty inside
Because I want to be sober crying,
Post-orgasm–
(With my new partner in bed)
Crying because I’m afraid he’ll kick me out now,
Like how you did so you could slither away
To one you wanted all along…
Acting like you loved it,
Acting like you loved me,
Harping that you cared–
That you wanted to protect me,
How you didn’t want to hurt me.
Just bliss and bullshit!
Maybe you shouldn’t be a bad person!
When someone says they’ll hurt you they will
They know it’s easier for them to blame you.
Hide yourself, protect yourself, love yourself!
Because I don’t want to fucking hurt anymore!
Shouldn’t have let my guard down…
Should’ve let my heart rest.
Thought if I kept trying to have sex
It would make it last longer.
Love feels like only wanting to fuck
The person or people
That keep your emotions secure–
I thought I was secure with you.
Who hurt you?
Not making it official made everything okay
(Made me toxic and obsessive)
(Made you the guiltless and the guileless)
That was the plan all along wasn’t it?
We were close enough
To keep pulling me back–
To keep bringing me back–
To the elevator at 1am…
Standing there, literally rising to my mistake,
Convincing myself that each night
Will be the same the next morning.
That each sentence you whisper
Will still be truthful when we wake up.
Who hurt you?
“I think we want two different things.”
You wouldn’t know from looking at me
How sad things have been,
How sad I am in it all.
(I didn’t even know!)
But even before I knew that
I know you already had a plan…
When you kissed me first,
When you initiated sex first,
When you said, “I love you first.”
What were your intentions?
What were your intentions,
The night before you kissed me
Where you wanted me
Sleeping in the same bed as you?
What did you want from me?
What did you want for you?
It was always about you!
You, yes you…
Even before you initiated anything
What did that mean?
Who hurt you?
“I feel bad that I was your first kiss.”
Why did you feel bad?
Because you knew you were bad?
Because you knew your lips were poisonous?
Because you knew what you were doing was bad?
Bad, bad, bad–
Good, good, good–
There are good people and bad people,
So which one are you?
Do I look like a toy?
Might as well have said:
“Sorry for hate-fucking you, I’m not myself today!”
(Must be a defense mechanism)
Might as well have said:
“This guy’s too wholesome for me, better ruin his life!”
I’m not at fault for admitting my feelings to you–
I’m not at fault for saying I loved you back!
Being honest with you doesn’t make me the problem.
I’m not at fault because it was true,
Because I was true to you.
You, yes you
Who hurt you?
“We’re still so young!”
But I was old enough
For you to tell me that you loved me?
But I was old enough
For you to keep fucking me?
To keep fucking me without consequence?
Shouldn’t have thought I could’ve been in your world.
The sun literally sets on mine and rises in yours…
Still regaining the sleep I lost talking to you.
Still replacing the initial fear I lost talking to you
With the initial fear I have when I see you.
What did I do
To deserve being hurt by you?
What part of you wasn’t bullshit?
Who hurt you?
Gaslit me,
Abused me,
Manipulated me–
So many first times lost to you…
You, you, you!
My first kiss,
My first fuck,
My first drink,
My first high!
Even then I wanted to stay with you
Even then I wanted a buddy system
Because I told you I loved you when you had a bad trip–
After you smoked up too much my first time,
My first time that I spent walking around
The entire campus
Talking joyfully to myself.
Even then I still wanted to stay with you
Even after you smoked too much–
Even after you tried to abandon me off campus!
Told me to stop talking,
Told your friends not to help me get back!
Told me you couldn’t help me
The next day when I still felt high.
Is this how it works?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
Said “I love you” too much out of fear,
Asked to see you too much out of fear.
But you were busy with your friends…
Wanted nothing to do with me the first time,
Wanted everything to do with me the second time,
When you smoked too much and started to cry–
I tried to comfort you and you wanted to fuck me!
I tried to comfort you and you tried to abandon me!
Me, me, me,
You, you, you…
I’d never trust you again
If I was in the state of mind
That I’m in now.
It’s always been about you
Neglecting your responsibility as a friend
Neglecting your responsibility as my friend
Neglecting your responsibility for someone vulnerable!
I didn’t run,
I didn’t judge,
I didn’t make you feel insignificant
I didn’t do what you did the third time around…
You didn’t care at all at that point–
You were so mean to me,
You were so critical of me.
You didn’t want them to know
That we were even friends.
Like you didn’t want them to know
How much we really knew about each other.
Twist the narrative all you want,
Twist the kindness out of me.
At least I know who I am.
At least I don’t abandon my friends–
At least I was always honest–
At least I always tried to do the right thing.
Is this how it’s supposed to work?
Did I do everything right?
Who hurt you?
You told me not to worry
So, I worry.
Because I know you’re lying,
Because I know you’re not present,
Because I know you don’t love me.
I think it’s fucked up that I can’t hear the Beatles the same,
I think it’s fucked up that I can’t hear Frankie Valli the same,
How I can’t hear the fucking elevator ding the same
Without falling back into the hole for a moment and panicking!
Because I’m reminded of how life was–
How life was so simple
Before becoming
Terrifyingly confusing…
Who hurt you?
You’re not going to get me to be angry with a mysterious ex-partner
That you blame for leading to being this way…
I never had a conversation with them,
I never fell to whatever problems they put you through.
(I probably would’ve understood!)
I never met them, I met you.
I never met your choices; I met your impulses.
Why must I make excuses for you?
Pretending to not know it all,
Pretending like it’s the most wonderful thing
As it becomes the most terrible thing.
I knew it was toxic and felt radiation
Underneath the lies I was telling myself,
Telling myself that it didn’t hurt to love you,
Telling myself that it didn’t hurt to touch you!
I think I was glad when it was over,
But I still wanted it to come back.
Like a needle in a junkie’s arm,
A junkie who doesn’t realize
How many teeth he’s lost.
I was a junkie for not realizing
What I was losing by staying with you.
I was a junkie for being addicted to people,
I was a junkie for being addicted to you.
But what you did was still abuse!
She hurt me…
Why did you have to hurt me?
Who hurt you?
“I slept with your flannel because it smelled like you.”
“Lookin’ pretty handsome if I do say so myself.”
“I literally cried when you gave me that medicine bag. Like who does that?”
“Maybe sometime down the road we can get dinner together.”
“I bet you think you’re being so profound and whatnot in writing these ridiculous messages and sending them to me.”
“If vilifying me and changing the narrative helps you out then go for it.”
“Making half of this shit up and pretending like you know who I am exactly after just texting back and forth for a few months is laughable.”
“I don’t really know what to say to you other than maybe just get over it because you’re certainly struggling to get through it”
You’re not the worst person in the world,
But you’re not one of the good ones either.
I never pretended.
You told me who you are–
You hid who you are–
You showed me who you are.
I hid who I was
Because I didn’t understand
How to cope with it all.
Because I didn’t understand
How I could get better.
Because I didn’t understand…
I’m sorry that I did that,
But I’m not sorry to you.
Who hurt you?
You, yes you
What’s the narrative?
What’s the truth?
Run at love,
Fight for love.
That’s what they all say.
I did it and it almost killed me
Before I learned what love is,
Before I learned to love again…
Do you understand now
Why I fought so hard?
I know the truth:
This was a friendship that was twisted,
This was a friendship that was broken.
This was a friendship that I used to miss,
Then I started to miss myself.
I’m awake and breathing
The living corpse, the living dead!
Only now, here in the future,
Have I started to smell the flowers again–
Smell my soul and passions again!
If it was nothing,
Would I be feeling all of this?
That much is the truth.
Who hurt you?