I am afraid of garlic butter sauce.
I used to order
a small cheese pizza
with a side of garlic butter sauce
nearly every night
in Savannah.
It was easier
than braving the dining halls
and sitting by myself
among the masses
of friend groups.
I would eat my pizza
alone
in the quiet of my dorm
wondering
what I was doing wrong
and why I was so sad.
More than two years have passed
since those days
and I am happy now
and I go to the dining halls
and I sit with my friends.
But now that I have
something to lose again
after spending so much time
preferring loneliness
over vulnerability
the cycle begs to repeat again.
One night
I order a calzone
with garlic butter sauce on the side
and as I eat it
there is a sudden numbness
tinged with familiarity
that spreads within me.
I am so scared.
But for some reason
I order the meal again
the next day.