How to deal with feelings you don’t want to welcome into being true
How to deal with the paper you haven’t written yet
How to deal with irrational guilt
How expensive is it to move to La Jolla
How to make each day feel like it means something
How to deal with melancholy
How to deal with the relentless need to be creative and no will to do it
How to deal with the absence of ideas
How to deal with arguments you never meant to have in the first place
How to get rid of unprecedented and unreasonable hate that rises to the brim of your being
How to produce dim lighting in a bedroom without candles
How to deal with having zero impulse control
What should you do with a desire to leave it all behind and begin anew somewhere else?
I wish for an island of my own, away from all negative emotion; where the guitar chords are all played in sync and the harmonies are inescapable. I wish for a place where hate and jealousy and grief and death don’t exist. A place where I can watch the blur of a low sun inch closer to the horizon. The light dips below the horizon now, and I see it hesitate before sinking further. It looks at me with its big, bright, blinding eyes. And it says, “Come with me; I’ll take you away. I’ll take you to travel amongst the dreamscape of existing without purpose and prejudice.”
I wish for a place where the sand is the pink of rosy cheeks and the water of the beach presses against the shore, sure and strong. I wish for a place where the dusky pink of the sands turns to the sunset orange of my bittersweet mood, and there, it has the freedom to become something more. A place where the music of being is peaceful. A place where the part of existing that is hard can be translated into easier, smaller tasks. A place where there is no anger, no argument, no hatred, no discourse. I wish for a place where the affections I despise melt away and sink into the warm grains beneath my feet; the negativity of being human hardens the sand into shards of ice, cold and unfeeling.
I wish for a place where there is perfection and purity. I wish for a place where the sky is an ivory white in the mornings when I wake up on the beach and look out the panels of glass that form the walls of my conscience. I wish for a place where we can all finally feel better. A place where we can rest.
I wish for a place that is warm enough for wildlife to thrive. A place where the jungle cats brush up against me and wind me down into a soothing sleep. I wish for a place that is not here and not now but is there and then. A place where the future doesn’t exist, and the past is nothing but bliss. I wish for a place where I feel grateful that I am real, grateful that I am alive, grateful that I am.
I wish for a place unlike this one. I wish for a place that makes sense. A place that is easy. A place that is tolerable. I wish for a Valhalla, a Nirvana, a saving grace, a haven. I wish to be saved from all Earthly woes, not by a God, but by myself. I wish to save myself from this living Hell, this apocalypse of emotions, this hellscape of mistakes and misunderstandings.
I wish for a place where Pandora was obedient. A place that could be without boredom, without impatience and selfishness. I wish for a place with clouds that shine like pearls in the evening, upon which I can sleep for eternity, undisturbed.
I wish for a place without feeling, without pain, without numbness. Just the ever-present joy of nothing at all. But then, I wouldn’t be human.