[As per a request – TW: Mental health issues]
I hate these little blue pills
I hate this old self, I hate this current self
Confused, ashamed, hurt, angered
Filled with regret
Memory days are the worst
Hours of what could’ve been
Hours of what may have been
Fate seems less and less idealistic
When the same shit happens again and again
Who am I?
Where do I come from?
Why did it always have to change?
Do I chase the cookie cutouts
Because it’s the only thing I never had?
I hate myself for not telling the truth
About who I am,
What I hide deep inside,
Even though I only know the truth now
I know I’m meant to keep secrets
But I wonder if I had shared enough
Maybe they’d understand
Why I am the way I am,
Why I don’t do it on purpose,
Why I don’t mean to make them hate
Call it a touch of destiny
I’m fucking touch-starved
The only thing to eat are these little blue pills
Yet I never remember being a child
Always trapped in maturity
How long will I keep lying to myself?
Why do I keep lying to myself?
There’s clarity in these little blue pills
There’s proactivity in these little blue pills
Every day, every hour
How long have I been lying to myself?
How long were they lying to me?
The neon green has been replaced by flashing red and blue
How long will this continue?
I don’t know
Who fucking cares?
Wait, maybe I do
I know what I see
Eyes of peril looking back
Eyes of horror looking back
I don’t like the man in the mirror staring back at me
Time to end it
Do I have the strength to end it?
My doctor’s not talking to me until the Friday after Friday
Who’s to protect from the man in the mirror
The man staring back at me
Who’s to protect me except these little blue pills?