To the ones who stayed with me for
reasons that need not be mentioned
—and to K.Flay for Can’t Sleep
The air had become as still as most of my thoughts, but the ripples in the lake were about as uncertain and wild as my nerves. I had already thrown up at least twice on my way back to my room, intuition from my gut. She held on to me and kept me in a straight line even though I knew she wanted nothing more than to be away. I think she may have felt obligated to do so. Despite how much I purged, I still couldn’t get that taste out of my mouth.
Regardless, I was captivated by everything around me. It was below sixty degrees outside and yet I only felt warmth, like somebody wrapped my entire body and my brain with a hot towel. The sounds chittered my ears with delight. I was thinking out loud literally and figuratively. My mind was fuzzy and I only had two objectives—walk or run. Every time I’d get a little further ahead, it seemed like she was so much further back, but when I turned around, she’d be closer than I expected.
“I don’t want to get too far from you,” I confessed.
There was more to that statement than just the present moment.
“I won’t go too far,” she said, smiling.
I knew she would eventually.
We never even made it to the party like we were supposed to.
I usually craved that feeling walking through the door of the cabin. It smelled like argan oil and strawberry lip gloss. It looked like it had its own starry night sky with the way the crystal lamp would glitter and make her paintings on the walls sparkle more so than her eyes. Coming back from the experience, I felt nothing but pain.
The bed creaked beneath the weight of myself and my own emotions.
“Can you stay with me?” I said quietly. “Please.”
“I can’t,” she said. “I have to go.”
She took my coat off.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“I can’t,” she said. “I have to go.”
She took my shoes off.
“Can I talk to you?”
“I can’t,” she said“I have to go.”
She took my glasses off.
“Please.”
“I can’t,” she said “I have to go.”
I know you do.