What Belongs In a Girlboss’ Bag

Tools to Make it Through the Day

To be the ultimate girlboss, you need a bag filled with items that will help you girlboss all day and night. The typical girlboss will slash through their enemies and drink their blood, but I prefer a simpler approach to my day. 

1. Personally, I usually start with a snack. I find that I cannot function at my best without four snacks a day, and since my mom won’t let me carry a refrigerator with me, my bag must always have at least two snacks. When a girlboss goes a day without all four snacks, well, it isn’t good. Smoke comes out of the ears and teeth turn to fangs. A simple granola bar will fend off the fangs and prevent the smoke. The second snack needs to be heavy duty because really all the first one did was make you more hungry. Anything from a sandwich to a whole chicken can suffice. 
2. My second item is deodorant and perhaps a favorite perfume or body spray. When it smells like you have something green and feral growing under your pits, it’s time to pull out the deodorant. 
3. My third item is a machete. In order to be a true girlboss, you need to fight through hundreds of men just to get to where you want to be. A semi-large machete will make this task ten times easier and prevent a lot of unwanted touches and tears. 
4. Fourth is a pen. Because a girlboss can be anyone or anything, a pen should always be available whether you need to sign an autograph or the deed to your mansion. 
5. The last necessity is a pair of headphones. People (men) have chosen us girlbosses as the chosen ones, meaning we are subject to every tearfully boring tale they subject us to. If you use a pair of heavy duty headphones, they can prevent blood pouring out of your ears from the dreadful words. 
6. Now. Girlboss. These might be your most important items. Start with a pink, preferably Victoria’s Secret, makeup bag. Now inside this back, you might guess, you need to have every single makeup product you own. Us girlbosses cannot get through the day without beating our faces to an inch of our lives. We need that mask to appeal to what everyone wants to see. With the ultimate cover, you can get everyone to bend to your wishes. You might also want to have a chisel or knife of some sorts to get through your base layer. Just like everyone else assumes about us, you know we can’t function without a face of makeup on! 

I hope this has helped you pack your ultimate GirlBoss Bag because it chills me to the bone to imagine anyone functioning without these core items. Stop living a drab and honestly, embarrassing life, and start girlbossing! 

Julia DiGeronimo is a third-year writing major who always carries a bag with 10lbs of equipment, just in case. You can reach them at [email protected].