The truth about sadism and masochism
During intercourse some people like giving pain and others enjoy receiving it, sometimes people deem themselves switchable between fetishes, and before you ask, “Wtf are you talking about?” I can assure you this is in all good fun. Inflicting pain on others is a fetish called sadism, while enjoying the pain being inflicted is called masochism, and when you enjoy switching in and out of these roles, it’s called sadomasochism. These fetishes are shaped into categories that are part of the BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Dominance/Submission/Sadism/Masochism) community, and while these types of sexual pleasure may seem extreme and intimidating, like any other type of sexual act, these acts should only be done consensually. There are many misconceptions about BDSM and other fetishes, and this may be because people still find them taboo. However, BDSM is pretty common and can be healthy to explore. People who correctly practice sadomasochism do not use these behaviors out of aggression. They like pain or receiving pain in the sense of sexual excitement, not in any way is this considered abusive. But the question arises: what is sexy about receiving pain or inflicting it?
Many emotions play into sadomasochism, and these emotions are actually quite universal. No one is a stranger to sensations like control, power, dependency, and receiving attention. Sadists are most aroused by domination. Psychologists say that people who are sadists like to dominate because they can free their internal emotional pain, but this is not always the case. A sadist also seeks control, and they may seek control if they feel like they are not in control in their everyday life. According to BDSM blogger Taylor Markarian, if you are a masochist, then you have no issue being completely submissive and volunteering yourself to be essentially helpless. You also enjoy pain. However, there is still a small element of control, which makes submitting much more interesting. You are volunteering to submit, meaning you have the control of whom you submit to and how you do so.
Trust plays a huge role in this. Psychologists believe that masochists love their role so much because it allows them to be dependent on their partner and even feel completely safe in their hands. This type of dependency causes these experiences to be so intimate. By submitting, the sadist is getting approval from the masochist and vice-versa. They are both the center of each other’s attention, which again, allows trust to play a huge role in this type of fetish; trust builds the intimacy, a unique, yet powerful way to show love. Practicing this type of sexual lifestyle may seem extreme to some, but it’s filled with passion and desire, which is why it’s so intriguing to those on the outside and so alluring to those within the subculture
A 2004 edition of Buzzsaw Haircut published an article discussing the controversiality of dildos. Dildos and sex toys alike aren’t as controversial as sadomasochism is today, but they had their time. It was only in 2003 when a Texas woman was arrested in December by two undercover cops for selling a vibrator. At the time, selling vibrators was prohibited. Alabama, Georgia and Mississippi had similar anti-obscenity laws. These anti-vibrator laws were criticized for being anti-feminist because they made female masturbation seem dirty while criticizing the female orgasm. By contrast, Viagra, a product for men that works to improve men’s sex lives, has never been illegal.
Controversiality and sex seem to constantly go hand and hand even 15 years after this original Buzzsaw article was published, which is why it’s important to explore the sexual subcultures that exist like sadomasochism deeper. While there may not be any laws regarding sadomasochism or anything under BDSM explicitly, it’s important to understand the pain factor. When you are in pain, the body immediately releases endorphins that target the pain to make you feel better. This type of chemical release can be the cause of the pain being more pleasurable when endured during sex (Markarian, 2016).
Additionally, the 2004 article verifies that gender plays a role in sex and pleasure and therefore, sadomasochism as well. We see it in movies, books and pop-culture where the role of a sadist is performed by the male dominant figure and where the role of a masochistic is fulfilled by a submissive female. Very rarely do we see these roles reversed in the media.
It’s interesting to see a fetish that is somewhat well known to have these underlying issues that go unnoticed in the mainstream. These questions blatantly prove that men feel pressure and pressure each other to be more masculine. This forces men to believe that taking the submissive route in the bedroom is the exact opposite of masculinity when it’s not. It’s could be so easy for people to stop criticizing others for their sexual desires, but thanks to societies always changing standards, it’s not so easy after all.
While some of the comments left on these forum posts were uplifting and encouraged the men to be their true selves in the bedroom, others were nasty and criticizing the men. The social pressures men feel on a daily basis are to maintain a certain type of dominance throughout his daily life. No, this is not sexual dominance, but men feel that there is no room for error, they have to look a certain way to be perceived as masculine, and if they don’t, they are belittled. It’s clear to see how these standards affect a man’s sex life if he does not wish to pursue the dominant role when engaging in BDSM activities. If this lifestyle is not congruent with the man’s sexual desires, men can feel unattractive, unwanted, and confused. So, not only do men who enjoy a submissive role feel pressures in their daily life, but they also feel pressure on how they perform sexually.
The truth is, society has created too many ridiculous standards that not everyone will meet. There’s clearly insecurity between men who are submissive and wants to practice being masochistic. Being insecure in the bedroom isn’t fair and can lead to unpleasant or unfulfilling sexual experiences, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling these submissive fantasies and trying something new. The most important thing is communication. If a male wants to have a consensual sadomasochism sex life and wants to fulfill the masochist role, then there shouldn’t be an issue. It’s important to understand that in order to be sexually fulfilled you have to be confident in what pleasures you. Sex is great and fetishes are fun; in no way should anyone feel ashamed of their desires.
Carly Werkel is a junior writing major who won’t put up with blatant sexual shaming. They can be reached at [email protected]