Do you remember the first time you gave a blowjob? If you’re like me and your years of Catholic school made you too guilty to watch porn, you went in cold. How does this thing work? Is it supposed to do that?
The first time I gave a blowjob was approximately an hour before I volunteered at a nursing home. This is just the first of many sexual incongruencies that have continued throughout my life. Because I’m Type A and anal as hell, I had planned it out. I remember texting my then-boyfriend and letting him now that I was DTS — down to suckhisdick.
The catch, of course, is that I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I barely even knew what a penis looked like (see above: Catholic guilt). So when he pulled down his boxers and that sprung out, I was like, “Shit, this looks a lot more like the Sandworm from Dune than anything else.”
We only had an hour before we had to go volunteer with old people, so naturally, I got right to the point. Foreplay who? I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I had read several fanfictions, so I kind of did, right? I decided a fun and sexy thing to do would be to bite his dick. You see, I had no idea how anatomy worked, and I thought that would show how experienced and seasoned of a sexual partner I was.
I did not expect, however, for him to say, “Um, can you like… not bite my dick?”
I looked up, shocked. “Why not?”
“Because now it like… hurts.”
Needless to say, the ride to the nursing home was a silent one.
Though I got better at giving head, it never got any less onerous. Honestly, there is nothing less rewarding that requires more effort than sucking a dick. No matter how much you love the dick you’re sucking, your mind starts to wander. Remember that time in fifth grade when I called my teacher dad? Did you leave your curling iron plugged in? Where do we go when we die?
Once, nearly two years later after my disastrous first blowjob, my mind wandered so far that I cried. In my defense, my cat had died two weeks prior, and I hadn’t had time to, “Process his death.” I was giving a guy a blowjob, and everything was going well, until I started sobbing.
Power through, I told myself. If you can get through the fact that this guy listed Clerks as one of his favorite movies, you can get through this.
I tried to stifle my tears, and I did a pretty good job of it. That is, until he looked down and noticed I was, in fact, crying straight into his penis.
Blowjobs are inherently awkward and messy. It’s like watching a dog try to eat ice cream. If you’ve never given a blow job, just take my word for it on this metaphor.
But, weirdly, blowjobs are kind of sweet. There’s no activity that requires more vulnerability from both parties. You’re really putting yourself out there. Good job, champ.