Last night President Obama announced that given the recent departure of troops from Iraq and the lessening action in Afghanistan, the U.S. military planned to turn its attention to the second greatest threat to national security; declaring war on Fright. The War on Fright will not only be fought against the abstract idea of “fright” but also against actions and concepts that are classified by the, newly created, Department to Protect Pleasantness as “bone-chilling” and/or “spooky.” The government has also stated that although goblins and monsters are real concerns, the main combatants that will be targeted by the War on Fright will be ghosts, religiously motivated serial killers, and blonde haired girls age 6 to 9 who seem to be “just a little bit off”.
The Treasury Department has also stated in a recent report that they plan to “place an official embargo against things that go bump in the night.”
The President tried to assure the American people that the war was in the country’s best interest and that their day-to-day lives would not change a great deal. However, the Department to Protect Pleasantness has stated that it plans to enact two new laws during wartime. First, any person (regardless of citizen status) can be detained in military custody if they begin a story by placing a flashlight under their chin. Second, it will be illegal for an individual to abruptly stop mid-conservation, stare at his or her friend and say “Did you hear that?!”
Congress further justified military action by citing Fright’s first act of war; an ominous creaking noise coming from the weird storage closet upstairs. They claimed the situation is currently being handled by the War on Fright’s first line of defense: America’s skilled and trusted dads with Louisville Sluggers.
President Obama concluded his announcement by alluding to Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s famous inaugural speech. The president eloquently stated, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself; so it’s about time we attacked fear.”