Hollywood is like the adult version of high school. Like the adolescent version of hell- power, sex, and money pretty much dominate. Dividing people into winners and losers just isn’t enough, so what better way than to celebrate the Academy Awards than with superlatives? And what better way to do superlatives than with a “buzzsaw?”
So let’s make people feel incompetent, shall we?
Best “A” for Effort: Billy Crystal tried to follow in the footsteps of Hugh Jackman and Neil Patrick Harris by opening the ceremony with a musical number. He put in a valiant effort, but he clearly wasn’t in his element and it lacked a show-stopping quality. The opening aside, he was a great host.
Best Use of a Cape: This absolutely gorgeous dress worn by Gwyneth Paltrow. While this goes against Edna Mole’s fashion rule (“No capes!”), I totally approve.
Surprise Moment That Really Didn’t Surprise Us: Sasha Baron Cohen came to the awards dressed as the main character from his newest movie, The Dictator. This would have been a revolutionary way to market the film…. if Baron Cohen hadn’t done it twice before; once with Borat and again with Brüno. As Admiral General Aladeen, Baron Cohen spilt what he called “the ashes of Kim Jong Il” on reporter Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest wasn’t amused, and neither was I.
Moment That the Academy Needs to Be Punched in the Face For: They nearly let Transformers win an Oscar. Let me say that again. THEY NEARLY LET TRANFORMERS WIN AN OSCAR. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? WHY WOULD THEY LET THAT HAPPEN? QOIVNRUZLKGHBLKSDLFKAOILSKDF
Best Moment About Movies: Cirque du Soleil performed their interpretation of what it’s like to go to the movies. The troupe brought over 75 members to perform and they didn’t disappoint. It told a story about film while also being its own work of art.
Biggest “Fuck Yeah!” for Our Generation: With it’s Best Original Song win, The Muppets is officially an Oscar-winning film! Bonus points to Bret McKenzie and to Jason Segel! (But seriously, The Muppets was one of the greatest movies of the year.)
Most Awkward Presentation: Thanks to Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig for making us feel awkward about wieners/films. While amusing, it wasn’t laugh out loud funny, and I don’t know if I’ll ever look at either the same way again.
Best Celebrity Dig: Billy Crystal on Meryl Streep: “She’s either the greatest actress of our time or a really dedicated hoarder.”
Largest Collective Lack of Surprise: Jean Dujardin for Best Actor, Michel Hazanavicius for Best Directing, The Artist for Best Picture… The Artist had a clean sweep of the major awards. Considering that this is what many predicted, it’s not a huge shock.
And finally….
Most Buzzsaw-eque Moment: None of them. Because the Oscars, of course are way too mainstream for the alternative-ness that is Buzzsaw. But we love dishing about them anyway!