White Female Mannequin, White Male Mannequin, One-handed Blonde Mannequin, Black Female Mannequin, Black Male Mannequin
Very pale white male and female standing on text books (serving as platforms) in middle of stage with all of the lights on. Male dressed in jeans, grey Polo, brown leather jacket, red scarf, brown loafers and hair slicked back with a lot of hair gel. Female dressed in skinny jeans, yellow Polo with gray argyle sweater over it, yellow high heels, brown leather purse and a lot of bold face make up. Male and female very still-straight posture, one arm in front of them, plain faces. The lights start to turn off (not at the same time), leaving a spotlight on the two mannequins. Movements are very stiff and rigid.
White Female Mannequin: [puts her arm down and steps off of platform and holds purse up, looks upset] Ugh, this purse is so last year. I mean, since when did fall become “brown leather” season?
White Male Mannequin: [steps off platform and looks at fingernails facing him] Hey, at least the plastic isn’t coming off your fingers. [looking at body] I seriously need a new paint job. I’m actually thinking of going a little darker. These stupid fluorescents make me look completely washed out. Hmm, maybe a nice golden tone and some…
White Female Mannequin: [cuts him off and looks down at her stomach] Oh my god, I’m so bloated! I gotta switch to light paint.
White Male Mannequin: Does it really matter? You’ll probably just shave it off anyway.
White Female Mannequin: [yelling] Of course it matters! What if I can no longer fit into a double zero? [flustered] What if…[distressed] oh my god!
White Male Mannequin: [concerned] What?
White Female Mannequin: What if I’m a zero now?
White Male Mannequin: [rolling his eyes] Oh, lord.
White Female Mannequin: Seriously! I mean, they had a hard time zipping my new pants up yesterday. [nearly crying] Next thing you know, I’ll be in one of those plus-sized stores, wearing sweats and — and plaid!
White Male Mannequin: [to himself ] At least I won’t have to deal with you then.
[One-handed Blonde Mannequin comes running in]
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [crying and looking around] Has anyone seen my left hand?
[other mannequins shake their heads]
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [crumples to the ground, resting on her knees and holding her handless arm] Oh my god, it’s hopeless! Some stupid little kid pulled it off and, like, hid it somewhere! [stuttering] And — and now, my bracelets don’t stay on! [starts sobbing]
White Female Mannequin: [puts her arm around one-handed mannequin] Aw, sweetie. Don’t worry, they’ll replace it tomorrow.
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [shaking her head] Remember that story of the mannequin whose head fell off? They totally didn’t replace it. They just stripped her of her clothes and threw her in some closet … with, like, wire hangers and, and plastic clothes racks! [sobs harder]
White Male Mannequin: Come on, you don’t actually believe that, do you?
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: Uh, yeah!
White Male Mannequin: [slowly circling around her] They didn’t put her in some closet. No, no, no. They disassembled her limbs [One-handed Blonde Mannequin gasps], poured gasoline on her body, and burned her in the parking lot — for everyone to see!
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [screams and runs to White Female Mannequin] I don’t want to be burned! I can’t! I won’t! I have more clothes to try on in my life! More trends to pass on! I need to find my hand!
[White Male Mannequin begins to laugh]
White Female Mannequin: Don’t listen to him. He’s just been in a bad mood since some teenager wrote “Insert Here” on his ass.
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [scoffs] Seriously?
White Female Mannequin: [nods] In permanent marker.
White Male Mannequin: [hits White Female Mannequin on the arm] Hey! You promised you wouldn’t say anything! Whatever, it’s not even that funny.
White Female Mannequin: Oh, I really beg to differ.
White Male Mannequin: You know what your problem is? You only care about yourself. You never once think of others.
White Female Mannequin: Oh, so now you’re accusing me of having a problem? You’re such a stuck-up, per-tren-tren-ticious…
White Male Mannequin: It’s “pretentious,” moron.
White Female Mannequin: Oh, well you would know!
White Male Mannequin: [to White Female Mannequin, concerned] Oh, my god! Did your pants just unbutton?
White Female Mannequin: [looks down at her pants, distressed] What?! [hits White Male Mannequin on the back of his head] You little prick!
White Male Mannequin: [to One-handed Blonde Mannequin, yelling angrily] Uh! You know what? Why don’t you just take my hand and stick it up your ass!
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [talking while the other two are fighting, talking softer and faster while turning head side to side] Where the hell is my hand? I need my hand. [fall to knees] Why would a kid take my hand? He doesn’t even wear bracelets! Missing limbs is so not fashionable! My hand! [others have stopped talking] I need my hand!
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [completely oblivious and innocent] Can it even screw in there?
White Female Mannequin: [to White Male Mannequin] Why can’t you just leave her alone?
White Male Mannequin: Why don’t you and your disfigured friend mosey on down to the women’s department, cause this whole integrated display thing is not working out!
[Black Female Mannequin and Black Male Mannequin come onto stage]
Black Male Mannequin: [yelling] Yo! [everybody goes silent] Could you guys just chill?
Black Female Mannequin: For real, we could hear you three yappin’ all the way from down the hall.
White Male Mannequin: I’m sorry, but are you part of this conversation?
White Female Mannequin: [to Black Male Mannequin] If you haven’t noticed, this is a department store. So why don’t you and “Little Miss Baby Phat” go back to your so-called store and come back when you’re wearing clothes that are actually worth something?
White Male Mannequin: [mockingly] Aight, bro?
Black Male Mannequin: That supposed to be funny, Snow White?
Black Female Mannequin: Nah, humor has to have some intelligence behind it — a quality neither of ‘em have.
White Female Mannequin: Hey, our heads are just as hollow as yours are!
Black Male Mannequin: Actually, we’re filled with plastic.
White Female Mannequin: What?
Black Female Mannequin: Yeah, and none of our parts have to be screwed in. We’re completely solid.
White Male Mannequin: [confused] Where were you made?
Black Male Mannequin: China.
White Male Mannequin: But — but we were made here, I mean, all things with the best quality are made in the U.S.
Black Female Mannequin: [pointing to One-handed Blonde Mannequin who has now put a wire clothes hanger in place of her hand] Is that why Captain Hooker over there is so well intact?
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: [oblivious to the comment, talking to herself and looking at her hanger] I wonder if they’ll notice…
White Male Mannequin: [rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath] Oh, man.
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: I mean, I’m totally in-style and look amazing — minus the missing hand — so I doubt anyone would even care. I could totally —
Black Female Mannequin: [cuts her off, speaking like a valley girl] Oh my god, so I heard about this new fad going on — totally hip and in-style. [speaking normally again, very agitated] It’s called “shutting-the-fuck-up-before-you-lose-another-body-part.”
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: Is that, like, a Hollywood fad?
White Female Mannequin: [to One-handed Blonde Mannequin] Here, why don’t you keep on looking for your hand? I’ll come join you later.
One-handed Blonde Mannequin: OK! [leaves the stage]
Black Male Mannequin: Wow, and I thought the ones over in Coach were dumb.
White Female Mannequin: Could you please explain to me why you guys are still here?
White Male Mannequin: Yeah, shouldn’t you be heading over to your hood now? You really don’t belong in this store.
Black Male Mannequin: Over to our hood? Let me tell you somethin’, pretty boy, you wouldn’t last a second down in our section of the mall. You and that ho of yours would be ripped apart and—
Black Female Mannequin: [cutting him off] Let’s just go, aight? I don’t want to sell the same ignorance that these two are advertising.
White Female Mannequin: It’s not ignorance—
Black Male Mannequin: [cuts him off] You’re right, it’s arrogance.
White Female Mannequin: [continues her statement with agitated tone] It’s not ignorance, it’s just reality. You guys aren’t what the shoppers want. It’s the blonde Barbies with skinny frames that sell in stores, the rest are just pushed to the back. Don’t take it personally, that’s just how the mall works.
Black Female Mannequin: Well, things change.
White Male Mannequin: Not in here they don’t.
Black Male Mannequin: Then maybe you’re right. We really don’t belong in this store.
[Black Male Mannequin and Black Female Mannequin exit stage. Few seconds of silence interrupted by loud beeping sound from alarm clock on White Male’s wrist]
White Male Mannequin: [looks at watch and turns alarm off] Shit, it’s five to 8.
White Female Mannequin: [sighs] Almost opening time.
White Male Mannequin: [inhales loudly] Okay. Let’s get into our positions.
[both step back on the textbooks]
White Male Mannequin: Body check [both look down at bodies and smooth the clothes over with their hands]. Shoulders back [both put their shoulders back]. Neck straight. (both straighten their necks). Big smile [both smile] [pauses] How do I look?
White Female Mannequin: Perfect. Me?
White Male Mannequin: Perfect.