As an incoming freshman, one of the biggest fears is being sexiled by a new roommate. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved, and, if at all possible, should be avoided. To be considerate, I understand that it might be tempting to try to find one of the rumored spots on campus that are great for some late night nookie, but I promise you: This is not in your best interest.
The 5th Floor of the Library
This may be one of the most infamous places on Ithaca’s campus for a good quickie sesh, but in reality, it’s not a very good plan. Anyone who has ever studied up there knows that this is most likely just a fantasy spot. First, it’s a “quiet floor.” Any sort of dirty deeds are going to be immediately overheard and most likely interrupted. Second, the way the book stacks are set up, it’s an extremely open area. It would be very impressive if a couple were to go unseen by those wandering around looking for books that are usually incredibly difficult to find. Alternative: If you need a study break that badly, try the top of the back staircase that leads to the fifth floor. Out of sight, out of earshot, and rarely do students or faculty climb all the way to top. You will be able to spot those heading in your direction long before they know you’re there so if need be, you have enough time to feign an awkward conversation as a cover up. (Risk Level: 4 out of 5)
Muller Chapel and Pond
To start off with, the chapel may seem like a good quiet place to make each other call out to G-d, but please don’t be disrespectful. Keep it outside the chapel, please! The pond is just as romantic and possibly more private (giant windows are not your friend). There are plenty of little nooks and crannies hidden around the pond to which you can make your way and be easily hidden. Keep away from the spots closest to the road! Note: Keep in mind what day of the week it is. Nights such as Fridays and Wednesdays tend to have services that run late, leading to more traffic in that area. (Risk Level: 2 out of 5)
The Paths off of the “Rape Trail”
It’s got a nickname like that for a reason. Just don’t do it. (Risk Level: 5 out of 5)
Your Dorm’s Showers
If you’re a junior or a senior, you should probably just know better. This is not your classiest option. Though quick, clean, and effective, it’s a small space that everyone in your hall can hear. It’s especially awkward if someone else ends up in the shower stall next to you. You definitely don’t want your new girlfriend to be remembered in the dorm as “shower girl.” Worst case scenario, your RA catches you and makes it super awkward, too. But if it really is your only option, wait. Time is a key factor, and the later into the night the better. 3am is the prime time for the shower, when Public Safety is no longer doing rounds and the likelihood of running into a drunken floor mate puking is low. (Risk Level: 4 out of 5)
If your bed is entirely out of the question, hopefully this cheat sheet can help you assess the risk of taking you plans elsewhere. And remember, no amount of bumping uglies is worth getting a really uncomfortable ticket from public safety. But until then, carry on exhibitionists!