The Physical Properties of Jeggings in Relation to their Cultural Significance
omen are always looking for pants that flatter their figure. At least that’s what I’m told. Usually, I am looking for pants that cost under $20, but that’s why I write for a magazine named after a powertool and not Vanity Fair. It stands to reason I had to do a significant amount of research before I could complete “The Physical Properties of Jeggings In Relation To Their Cultural Significance Stature, Comfort And Camel Toe.”
Back in ancient times, as early as 2009, jeggings were invented as sportswear. Specifically, they were designed for jogging. This was probably so the jogger could invoke murmurs of, “Is she really running in those jeans? They’re so tight!” from the mom-jean-clad passers-by. By their very nature, jeggings accentuate three parts of a woman’s lower body: the ass, the legs and, in several cases, the labia. Normal jeans, at best, only sometimes show off every possible curve on a lady. Jeggings accentuate curves people don’t even realize exist. Arguably, these curves are better left hidden, instead of burnt into one’s cerebrum.
Some fashion paleontologists, like the Draco Malfoy look-alike cashier I spoke to at an H&M store, suspect they’re a “classier” alternative to sweatpants, and it’s more about comfort than form-fitting.
“I hear they’re super comfortable. Personally, I don’t like them.” He paused to hand me my receipt and added, “I look like I have skinny chicken legs in them. I can help the next customer in line.”
Despite the guys-in-girls skinny-jeans menswear trend, apparently jeggings cross the gender line. But the sneaky legwear has caught on like a polyester wildfire among females. Soon everyone and their slutty sister were wearing what, to the untrained eye, appeared to be incredibly tight jeans. This appearance may confuse the casual observer, causing them to think that said jeggings-wearing female has located the best possible pair of jeans for her body type. In some circles, a fashion find like that promotes you to chieftain, or head witch doctor or something. I don’t know, I never get invited to those parties.
But these are not perfect jeans: They’re jeggings. Sneaky, sneaky jeggings. I asked a panel of Jeggings Experts (that is, women I accosted in the dining hall) their opinions on the pants and received some groundbreaking scientific theory in return. Not all jeggings are created equal, it seems. One girl explained, “There’s a couple of brands that look exactly like jeans—I’ve been fooled myself.”
This jeggings observer brings up nothing new—they look like jeans, stick like spandex and feel like heaven. Par for the course. The revelation came when she continued, “There are ones that are like leggings with denim color—which are not good jeggings.”
This news nearly gave me a coronary. Different kinds of jeggings! Of course! There was the link between the sassy Aryan from H&M’s disdain for them and some girls’ utter refusal to wear anything else. A variety of jeggings types is the key—more specifically, which ones are comfortable versus which ones are socially acceptable (in terms of apparent quality of material, clarity of labia outline, cankle exposure, etc.).
Therefore, I have compiled a series of charts and examples to illustrate and explain the jeggings paradigm. Use it, memorize it, chastise random women in poorly chosen legwear with it. Now to move on to my next line of research: the resurgence of overalls.
Godspeed.
____________________________________
Sarah Kasulke is a sophomore TV-R major, and Ashley Tisdale is wearing her jeans and jackin’ her swag. Email her at [email protected].