Buzzsaw Sports Guy: A satirical look at sports
The post-game reporting released following the Yankees’ 3-1 victory over the Chicago White Sox last night marked their record 1,253rd consecutive regular season game without a single player or coach saying anything the least bit interesting. The streak lasts back to the early 2000s, during the waning days of pitcher David Wells’ career with the Yankees, when he provided commentary on a feud between himself and owner George Steinbrenner over his being overweight and too unrefined to put on the pinstripes.
The record, previously held by the San Antonio Spurs of the 2000s, became official after Derek Jeter finished providing the vanilla game commentary he has come to be known for throughout his career.
“So yeah, we’re glad we were able to pull this one out, but like I said before, it’s a long season. We’re in this for the long haul, but for now we’re just gonna take everything one game at a time,” he said, before departing and sending the Yankees down into another chapter of professional sports history.
Long gone are the days when right fielder Paul O’Neill was asked to provide comment on his breaking bats in rage after striking out during games. Even the smart-ass quips of David Cone are long gone, not to mention a rich Yankee history that includes Yogi Berra’s bizarre quotes, Mickey Mantle’s womanizing and Babe Ruth’s constant overeating and drinking. Yankees these days have far too many requirements and expectations to uphold to be interesting, according to third baseman Alex Rodriguez.
“We’re getting paid so much money to represent a prestigious organization,” said Rodriguez, who was able to make fans’ eyes glaze over even in light of his comments regarding his past steroid use. “So making honest comments is out of the question when controversial subjects come up. But I think it’s obvious that we’re all dedicated to this, I mean, we don’t even have the choice to grow out a beard here.”
Although professional sports players in general have scaled back their honesty and willingness to talk like functional adults in post-game interviews ever since the end of the 1980s, the Yankees players have proven the most adept at making their sport seem about as enthralling as watching paint dry with their comments. Manager Joe Girardi and Jeter, Captain of the team, both expressed intentions to continue the streak for many years to come.
Some fans questioned the integrity of the record, pointing to the scummy, 1970s-porn style mustache Jason Giambi grew out during the 2008 season. However, officials say that although the mustache was interesting, it did not necessarily make Giambi or his comments worthwhile in any way.