(à la Langston Hughes’s “10 Ways to Be a Bad Writer”)
By Danny Gessner
1. Masturbate loudly and with the lights on, and with your roommate asleep in bed
2. Clip your toenails over their pillow and under no circumstances are you to clean them up
3. If they have food, eat it all without asking. If they don’t have any, buy them some, give it to them and then eat it all.
4. Fart constantly and as close to their side of the room as possible
5. Wake up screaming at 4am every Wednesday and then never mention it
6. Be as naked as humanly possible at all times
7. Be sure to tell them how hot their mom/dad is after they move in
a. For added bonus, wait another minute after this and say how this parent wasn’t quite as smoking hot as the OTHER parent
8. Always talk loudly enough on the phone so that they can hear every word you say, even if you’re in the bathroom
9. When returning from the shower, towel off with either their clothes or their bedsheets
10. Make sure all of your man/woman-scaping is done with them to witness
For this inspiration, I would like to thank my former roommate from my first semester. He shall remain fairly anonymous. His ability to stay in the room for months at a time remains the number one method for being a bad roommate.