A sudden but quickly fading wave of inspiration passed over an Ithaca College student late Tuesday night as he decided to search the Internet for summer programs in which he could make a difference in the world. Looking at several online forms and required application essays, however, he lost focus and eventually viewed some porn before masturbating and heading to sleep.
It all started when 19-year-old Corey Hodges heard about the internships and jobs his friends reportedly had lined up for the summer.
“I keep hearing about all these other kids planning to do amazing film internships and getting to travel all around Europe and shit like that,” Hodges said. “It got me wondering, when will I get to do something cool with my life?”
Hodges has also been heavily influenced by friends who live in his dorm at Talcott Hall, many of whom tell him to avoid believing several scientific facts because they may only be social constructs, and also that he needs to get out of his comfort zone at some point in his life.
Hodges mentioned his jealousy of friends like Joe from the first floor.
“He’s been to all kinds of crazy places,” Hodges said. “And he’s smoked weed with locals in Thailand and shit.”
Hodges said it felt like an epiphany struck him as he sat at his computer checking his e-mail messages late Tuesday night.
“It was like someone gave me a quick slap in the face and asked, ‘what the hell are you doing with your life?’” he said. “And then I just got this crazy feeling that I wanted to make a difference in the world and go to some strange place for a while. I started typing in stuff like ‘peace corps’ and ‘habitat for humanity’ into my google search bar.”
Hodges’ uncharacteristic feelings of motivation wore away as he realized how many information forms he would have to fill out, as well as how many essays he would have to write. After opening up several different related Internet windows, he soon decided to take a break with some sporcle games, then got distracted by Facebook.
Clicking through some pictures of his more attractive friends, Hodges realized his roommate was already off to his girlfriend’s apartment for the night, and that he had complete privacy. Effectively distracted, he typed redtube into the search bar, loaded up a couple porn videos, and rubbed his member to a climax as he viewed them.
After finishing, he exited out of his redtube windows but left the others up for another day.
“I’m completely determined,” he said. “I just took the first step. There’s no way I’ll let these applications sit another day, otherwise I might miss out on some great opportunities.”
At press time, Hodges was seen playing super smash brothers with his friends from the third floor, putting off his essay for World Civilization I.