Timmy Complains about ‘Basic Human Rights’ Being Taken Away From Him
By Dylan Clark
Last Monday night, 6th grade Ithaca resident Timmy Williams flipped the channel to MTV to watch his favorite program, Jackass. But instead of seeing Ryan Dunn shoving a toy car up his ass, he saw something he deemed to be far more outrageous: a password entry screen.
Timmy originally believed the block of access to be a practical joke being pulled by his older sister. However, when he went to his mom to tattle, he discovered his own mother had intentionally enacted this Orwellian censorship.
“This is so stupid,” Timmy said. “Why can’t I just watch what I want to? My mom has no reason for blocking my shows. She is so stupid.”
“I sure as hell have a reason for blocking his shows,” said Ruth Williams, Timmy’s mother. “Ever since he started watching those shows he’s been wreaking havoc left and right. I came home from work last week, and what did I find? Timmy with his bicycle on the roof about to ride off onto our trampoline two stories below. If I had come home any later, I probably would’ve found his corpse on the ground five feet to the left of the trampoline, God forbid!”
“Who makes that damn show, anyways? I’d like to have a word with their mothers,” she added.
Besides Jackass, other shows that have been blocked in the Williams residence include South Park, Family Guy, Jersey Shore and everything that airs after 11 pm on Cinemax.
“When I was his age, I used to watch shows that embraced strong family values, like The Brady Bunch. All the programs Timmy watches embrace senseless violence, underage sex and New Jersey. Those aren’t the kinds of things I want my kids exposed to.”
Timmy’s arguments against the ban, such as that it is a violation of his human rights, and that his “friends’ moms let them watch whatever they want,” have done nothing in the way of changing his mother’s mind.
The ban’s effects reach far beyond the Williams residence – they have also had a devastating impact on Timmy’s social life.
“At school, kids will be talking about how funny it was last night when Kenny got beaten to death by a monkey on South Park, and all I have to talk about is how my mom is making me feel like I’m living in Auschwitz,” Timmy said. “Talking about my shows was the only reason I had friends in the first place. Now, the only person who’ll hang out with me now is the kid who eats scabs.”
“It’s like nobody even looks at me anymore,” he added. “I feel like Meg Griffin.”
Regardless of his mother’s iron will, Timmy refuses to give up on the fight for his rights. In protests that Timmy has compared to the rebellion in Libya, he holds nightly temper tantrums in an effort to raise awareness of the cause around the house and the neighborhood. He also shows his mom that the shows will continue to influence him regardless of whether or not they are censored by continuing to imitate his role models from the blacklisted shows.
“This is the situation,” Timmy said to his mother, pointing at the part of his stomach where, if he’s lucky, his abs may one day be.
“Put your damn shirt on, Timmy,” his mother said. “You don’t even have any chest hair yet.”
“Neither does the Situation!” Timmy yelled back, then began fist pumping as his mother grabbed her belt.
Marty Williams, Timmy’s father, said “last weekend, he was out in the backyard wearing a chicken costume and wrestling fat kid with a bunch of open sores. And then yesterday he soaked my wife with a water gun and ran off screaming ‘victory is mine.'” As of press time, it is still unclear as to whether or not Amnesty International or other human rights groups will take note of the injustices taking place at the Williams residence, but Timmy expects their reaction to be “drastic, once they have a look at one of my daily emails about my plight.”
“Whatever,” said Timmy’s sister Christina Williams, 15, another victim of the Stalin-esque ban, but one who has found a way around it. “I can always just watch those shows on, like, Hulu or Netflix or something like that. Um, hello, we’re not living in the stone age anymore!”
Dylan Clark is a freshman writing major who would also feel infringed upon if he were denied his daily dose of Snooki on TV. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.