By Merdina Ljekperic
General Mills and Reese’s officials have issued a cease and desist letter to the manufacturers of Peanut Butter Panda Crunch after realizing that the less marketed, much cheaper brand tastes “exactly the fucking same” as their product, Reese’s Puffs.
After years of trying to convince the nation that Reese’s Puffs are the only way in which you can have candy for breakfast, General Mills executives were shocked to find that generic brand pretty much did the trick as well.
“Reese’s Puffs is not just a cereal,” said General Mills Spokesman Ron Summers as he walked through the cereal aisle at his local supermarket. “It’s revolutionary. There’s nothing out there like it, I mean, it’s Reese’s peanut butter cups for breakfast—where else can you get that?”
Upon saying this, Summers walked past several boxes of Peanut Butter Panda Crunch, Peanut Butter Chocolate Xplosion and about a dozen other peanut butter and chocolate cereal variations at the back end of the cereal aisle.
Staring at the poorly designed, unexciting box of Peanut Butter Panda Crunch, Summers grew angry.
“Just look at this thing,” he said. “Two pandas? When kids see a commercial they don’t want to see two endangered species. That’s fucking depressing. They want to see CGI’d brown puffs exploding out of a Reese’s Cup at a rate that could possibly cause them mild to severe seizures.”
Summers then turned his attention even farther back into the depths of the aisle, where he spotted the cheap cereal that came in bags.
“Oh no, now that’s just fucked up,” he said.
The cease and desist statement particularly addresses the generic brand’s organic label as defeating the entire purpose of Reese’s Puffs. A recent press release from General Mills states that the cereal has been, “declared by scientists, nutritionists and moms across America, to be about the crappiest thing you can put in your body. Hell, even dads might recognize that.”
Furthermore, the letter cited a Stanford University survey which showed that three out of every five Americans thought Reese’s to be “fucking delicious,” while four out of every five Americans identify the term, “organic,” with “tastes like shit on a stick.”
“One time my mom tried to buy the stupid panda cereal instead of Reese’s Puffs,” 6-year-old Bobby Freeman said. “I was traumatized. I cried so much my mom had to put me back in diapers. It pretty much tore the whole family apart, but it was finally worth it when I got a big bowl of delicious Reese’s Puffs.”
Bobby’s mother, Donna, said she just bought the cheaper generic brand anyway and switched the boxes when he wasn’t looking.
“It’s not like he can tell the difference,” she said.
Summers was later seen walking out of the supermarket with two jugs of generic laundry detergent.
“Have you seen the price on these things? They’re a steal,” he said. “Hey, it’s a recession.”
Merdina Ljekperic is a freshman journalism and politics major who doesn’t tolerate generic shit. Reese’s is the only way to have candy for breakfast. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.